THIS IS HOW YOU CREATE SELF-SOVEREIGNTY

Self Sovereignty, at its core, is about BELONGING TO YOURSELF & being your own authority.​​​​​​​​
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It's about doing the deep internal work to know, trust & honor yourself so you can design a life that tells a more COMPLETE truth of the woman you truly are, instead of constantly looking around at your life thinking, ​​​​​​​​
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"Not this." 🚫​​​​​​​​
"Not me." ✌🏾​​​​​​​​
And most dangerously of all:​​​​​​​​
"Fuck this shit." 🧨🔥​​​​​​​​
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The reality is, sometimes creating the life YOU KNOW you're here to have requires setting a blowtorch to everything around you but...if it ultimately brings you more PEACE in the end?​​​​​​​​
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I'd say the destination was 1000% worth the journey.​​​​​​​​
Wouldn't you?

THE THING KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR PURPOSE

Popping in to remind you that your “purpose” isn’t about your DOING, it’s about your BEING. 

It’s less about doing the “right” thing and more about doing the aligned thing. But in order to know whether or not you’re aligned with the thing in front of you, you have to first ask yourself:

WHAT AM I TRYING TO ALIGN TO?? 

(yes, I know this isn't grammatically correct but it sounds better this way.)

Because THIS is the question that helps us differentiate goals from intentions. 

When we make GOALS, we tend to focus on ‘outcomes”. On having & getting things. Achievements. Proving. Random accomplishments to check off our list. But it’s exactly that–our getting, forcing & grasping–that ends up being the very thing that keeps us from our purpose. Being too laser-focused on the narrow, “WHAT” questions (What am I doing? What’s the goal?), instead of the deeper “WHYs”:

• Why am I doing this?

• Why does this even matter to me?

• Why is this important to my unique life story & experience? 

And until we answer THESE questions, it will always feel like we’re on a never-ending hamster wheel, constantly going, striving, achieving…and yet somehow still feeling empty inside. 

Because the truth is, underneath all that effort, what we’re truly searching for is a deeper meaning that we’ve never even slowed down enough to find.

Yikes. 

But INTENTIONS, on the other hand?

Those are about our feelings. 

They’re about focusing on WHO we’re being in our lives–also known as our WHY–and letting that motivate & guide our behavior and decisions. About aligning ourselves with the energy we’re seeking to create…while ALSO keeping our eyes open for all of the miraculous ways that energy can show up BEYOND what we’ve scripted. 

Instead of boxing ourselves in with constricting, specific goals like,

• Hit $250,000 in business revenue (but no actual plan for the money for who it will serve)

• No sugar, no bread & eat vegan every day from now on (give yourself some GRACE)

• Get engaged in 12 months (wait–you’re gonna put a timeframe on MARRIAGE?🥴)

Intentions guide us to dig deeper & access the underlying desire behind how we want to feel so we can make the feeling the focus…and then set our sights in that direction. So instead of starting with what I want to achieve, I start with who I want to BE, how I want to FEEL, and then create a roadmap from there. 

Intention setting is about moving away from being hyper-focused on the things we want to achieve & getting clear on how we want to show up in our lives, the energy we want to embody throughout the year, and using those breadcrumbs to create a vision that still leaves room for Spirit to do its thang.

This is a small but incredibly transformational shift that totally changes how you interact with your life. And it’s especially powerful if you happen to be like me–someone who grew up in high stress/pressure situations and is therefore COMPLETELY turned off by any strategy that encourages me to repeat these patterns as an adult. If this is you, this process will revolutionize how you move through your life. 

Because when we get too focused on getting the EXACT THING we want in the EXACT WAY & timeline we want it, we end up with tunnel vision ( 🚩🚩 not to mention dysregulated nervous systems & overworked adrenals). And while tunnel vision can be great for the times when we need extreme focus…it’s not great as a continuous life strategy for us as humans. 

Tunnel vision is the very thing that causes us to miss what’s really important, tryna be focused on what we think is important, but it doesn’t have to be this way. 

You don’t have to miss your purpose trying to find your purpose.

I promise, there is another way. 

MY MANIFESTO FOR VALUES CENTERED LIVING

Call me crazy, but I want to live in a world where honesty, integrity, bravery & truth are core values that we hold as a collective. And not just the pretty, convenient truths but the inconvenient ones too. The kind that require emotional vulnerability, courage, uncomfortable conversations & drawing clear lines in the sand. 

I want the messy decisions to be applauded. The ones we make based on our inner truths & most passionate core values, not solely on how they impact our wallet. Where, as a community, we touch & agree that our bottom line must be about igniting our fire, sparking our inner genius, continuous self-discovery, taking radical responsibility for our needs, and being in integrity with our own soul.

 Not just the dollars & cents. 

Hell-fucking-naw. 

I want us to grow brave enough to show up to this life as ourselves and to know with every fiber of our being that someone will be there to greet us the moment we take our mask off by saying, “Me too. You are not alone.”

I know this is pie-in-the-sky level shit and yet….it’s my dream.

That we each feel emboldened by our own unique desires & passions…without them being overshadowed by fears that we can’t have both, the dream AND a deeply nourishing love. Or that surrendering to our passions will relegate us to spending our entire lives financially hovering just above the poverty line, barely getting by. 

 I don’t want to have to abandon myself to succeed. 

I don’t want to become completely unrecognizable to the people I know & love to succeed.

I don’t want to have to discard my dreams to succeed. 

I don’t want to have to stop cursing, talking about kinky sex, or my deep devotion to God to succeed.

 I want it all.

For me and for you, too. This freedom is for all of us.

So I dream of a world where women & girls feel free to choose themselves first and create soulfully, thoughtfully, diligently, intentionally created lives that light them up. Lives that deeply matter to them. Where we’re encouraged to trust ourselves, to listen to ourselves, and to turn inward before we turn outward. A world where the heroine’s journey is celebrated and venturing off the beaten path is both the goal AND standard. Where exploration, creativity & curation are the only norms we’re pushed to follow and where the most profound questions always lead us back to ourselves. 

 I truly believe there’s only ONE thing that we’re all sent here to do:

Show up our lives with radical honesty, a willingness to surrender to What Is, and a commitment to let go of anything & everyone that tells us that we can’t be the person our soul is telling us to be (yes, in my world this is ONE thing, lol ). But this all starts with vulnerability & truth. 

 So listen to that small voice that keeps telling you, 

"There’s more for you than this.” 

Trust it. And follow it like your life depends on it…

because it actually does.

YEAR END WRAP-UP: 2021

I’m taking a quiet week to myself (after a VERY emotionally rough Christmas weekend, full transparency) but wanted to pop in to say thank you for rocking with me. 

Not only this year, but in general. 

A few of you have been here a really long time–all the way back to when I first started my interior design blog in 2008–and in the event I’ve never said it before, I wanted you to know that your being here–reading my newsletters & magazines, sharing intimate details of your life in my DMs & inbox, listening to my podcast, staying engaged with my work, allowing me to guide you in Wig Snatch sessions, joining my Marrakech/Bali retreats, investing in UNAPOLOGETIC, purchasing Intention Bracelets, attending my masterclasses & workshops–really means so much to me. 

I’ve allowed myself the grace to be reborn in so many ways over the past 11 years but to be honest–haven’t always known what I was doing. Matter of fact, I’ve RARELY known ahead of time. But what I have known (or rather, felt) is when I’d arrived at the end of one journey & it was time to embark on another. It’s been scary, but I’ve honored that knowing again & again over the years and you’ve been right here beside me. So whether you’ve been here since Day 1 OR if you’ve found me recently, THANK YOU. 

Western culture tells us that the only investment that matters is money but for me, that’s simply not true. Taking a few minutes out of your day to read my emails or engage with my content is actually an investment of your most precious non-renewable resource–TIME. So even if you’ve never purchased a thing from me, I want you to know that I see you. I appreciate you. And I deeply honor your choice to invest your most valuable resource with me.

In the coming year I’ll share more about the core values & principles that guide my work, but it’s fitting to say a bit about one of them right now:

COMMUNITY. 

I LOVE COMMUNITY. I mean, I luuuuhhhhhhhhhhhvvveeeee community. I love the art of gathering humans–linked by consciously shared commitments, principles, and values–to do life together. I love shining a light on the common threads that bind us across backgrounds, stories & languages. I love reminding people, “You are not alone”. I love discussing things that can’t be explained using logic. I love connecting with humans who intentionally live their lives in radically honest & transparent ways. Who grapple with the uncertainty and complexity of what it means to be human. People who aren’t afraid to wade into deep waters, have vulnerable conversations, and ask scary questions that lead to life-changing decisions. 

THESE ARE MY KINFOLK. THIS IS THE COMMUNITY I LOVE CURATING.

And if you’re reading this, it means you’re one of these people too. 

I’m enamored with women who fully live the width & depth of their lives, celebrating their joys AND honoring their sorrows. The kind who’ll burn their entire lives down to the ground if it means a chance at showing up as a more honest & true version of themselves. Women who aren’t afraid to take the inconvenient long road if it creates a more meaningful story. The ones who publicly share their “mess” & proudly live their most deeply held principles out loud.

The Ari Corteses.

The Sheyla Perezes. 

The Brandi Sheltons.

The Andra Thomases.

The Simone Williamses.

The Courtney Cummingses.

The Keisha Fogles. 

The Kris Clarkes. 

The Jennifer Arnises.

The Ina Joneses.

The Kia Players.

The Crystal Andrewses.

The Raquel Sanchez Sullivans.

And these are just a few of the first names that came to mind. 

Doing this work, in all of its different iterations, has allowed me to meet & connect with so many humans that I NEVER EVER would’ve had the chance to meet otherwise. Hands down, I would not be the Dayka I am today without the thousands of you I’ve had personal encounters with over the last decade-plus. And words alone would never be enough to adequately articulate the abiding richness you’ve added to my life. 

The humans–you–have been the most treasured gift in my 11 years of business. You’ve expanded me. Trusted me. Taught me. Challenged me. Affirmed me. Supported me.  Encouraged me. Consoled me. Corrected me. Cared for me. Recommended me. Hyped me. Shared with me. Invested in me. And this has meant so much because entrepreneurship is fucking hard soul work. No matter if you’re making $1 or $1M. It’s not just about having the courage to put your complete trust into yourself & your own ideas, but ALSO the fact that entrepreneurship constantly exposes you to yourself. It’s a mirror for the places where your wounds are hiding. Where your childhood traumas are being triggered. Where your unexplored gifts & strengths seek to be exposed. Where your bullshit is hanging out the back of your skirt like toilet paper. And the evidence of where your deepest core beliefs are either bolstering or sabotaging your dreams. 

It’s all in there, all the time. And no matter what it may seem like from across this computer, I can assure you that I am a REAL person who experiences these things too. Yes, I’m smart as hell, brave, bold, confident, adventurous & funny AF. But I also fuck things up. I get scared. I second-guess myself. I say & do the wrong things. I hurt people’s feelings. I get humbled by life & not a week goes by that I don’t turn inward to audibly ask God for guidance, clarity & help. 

This business has been one of my biggest soul lessons & I know that I am not here on my own accord. It’s taken every ancestor, archangel, prayer, breath, oracle card, crystal, conversation, relationship, lesson, ounce of Grace, Act of God and each one of YOU to get here, so before we end the year I just wanted to send this note of thanks. If no one has told you today, YOU MATTER. You matter to people who you don’t even realize you matter to. You have made a profound difference in my life. And you have helped me know myself in a way that never could’ve been possible without your presence. I would not be here without you, my business would not be here without you and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

From the most sincere place in my heart–thank you.

I hope you have a safe, restorative New Year, in whatever way your soul is craving most. 

I love you all. See you in 2022, inshallah. 

Dayka

NORTH STAR VS. SOUTH STAR LIVES

20 years ago I thought I wanted my life to be a big house in Buckhead, a Benz in the garage, a fine ass man in the driver's seat + 2 copy/paste kids in the back. But now I’ve lived enough to know that I want MORE. 

I want the relationships & family to ENRICH my life, but I don't want them to BE my life.

I don’t want anything at the center of my life but ME. And that’s a really ballsy thing for a woman to say. 

Because relationships are easy “North Stars” for us women.

We focus on them from the moment we start getting wet between our legs & told that our security–physical, financial or emotional–can only be ensured by being in one. But every time we rush to find a partner BEFORE really exploring our own selves, the very thing we THOUGHT would be our safety blanket usually becomes our suffocation.

Because the foundation of our lives HAS to be built on something more than just our relationships. They need to be built on OURSELVES. 

I love a good North Star but honestly? I’m more of a South Star kinda gal.

That’s the one that’s illuminated by our wounds, mistakes, secrets, shame & failures. The one that asks us to lay our vulnerabilities on the table & get quiet to ask, "What thread ties these things together? What is this showing me about myself? Where am I overlooking my GOLD?” And then going THERE. Doing THOSE things. Facing THAT wound. Speaking THAT word.

North Star lives are pretty & comfortable. They’re palatable & people celebrate you for playing the role you were told. It’s the same story told over & over again but with slight variations–Birth. School. Job. Marry. Kids. Follow the same old script & keep your head above water.

And then there are South Star lives. The ones that invite you to go off the beaten path and beckon you to take your mess & turn it into magic.

Again & again & again. Constantly dying to who you were, so you can open up to who you’re here to become.

20 years ago I just wanted to fit in, play my role, & find a man to love & claim me.

But now? All I want to do is expand into new versions of myself, never stay the same & allow the one who loves THAT version of me to show up in divine time.

What a difference 20 years (and a whole lot of embodied wisdom!) makes.

Thank God for ladyballs & South Stars. 

Why some people think I'm a Bitch.

I don’t apologize for taking up space in this world.

I believe that I have a right to exist just as I am, and so I move through my life in a way that communicates this expectation, verbally, physically & energetically.

But living & breathing & moving this way--especially as a woman--can make a lot of people uncomfortable.
Especially as a black woman.

Because I refuse to ask for permission.

I spent a lot of my childhood & teen years being chastised for my “adult demeanor” & difficult-to-answer questions that often came off like I was trying to challenge someone in authority.

Except I really wasn’t.

I was simply an incredibly inquisitive child, one who asked a lot of questions for which the adults in charge often didn’t have an answer. And that’s just the kinda thing that makes people really uncomfortable & defensive, especially when it comes to children who correct adults….in public.

I remember one day in class, maybe the 3rd or 5th grade, hearing the teacher say something that I KNEW was incorrect, so I raised my hand & corrected her when she called on me.
Her response?
To tell me I was being disrespectful & disruptive.
Even though we both KNEW she was wrong.

But I wasn’t intentionally being disruptive nor disrespectful.
From my child’s perspective, I simply saw an adult teaching information to a group of my peers that was factually incorrect, so I was attempting to provide with the correct info. But it was met with defensiveness, shame & critique…..even though the person in power was actually the one in the wrong.

And yes, as an adult with a fully developed ADULT brain, I now understand that it’s not always appropriate to publicly correct someone when they’re running their own show (although there are LOTS of nuances with this idea, ESPECIALLY with teachers/trainers) but when you try to shame or punish a child for TELLING THE TRUTH, it teaches them that there's something wrong with honesty.
That "authority" always matters more than the truth.

And I think there's a major problem with that idea.
It’s a belief I spent many years unlearning.

The process of letting go of that belief led me to become a woman who doesn’t believe in shrinking MYSELF to make other people comfortable in THEIR skin.
I find it neither kind nor loving nor helpful.  

Instead, I believe in telling the truth & discussing emotions & setting BOUNDARIES in all areas of my life, especially the intimate ones. And it’s something I consistently preach & teach to the women I coach & those who attend my retreats.

Grown women (who were once "disruptive" little girls) are no longer called disruptive & disrespectful...now they’re just called bitches.
Ask me how I know.

So I’m here to remind you that the title of “Bitch” isn’t always a bad thing. 

Here are a few points to remember:
 

1. Solid boundaries are often mistaken for bitchiness. Because when you start telling people about the ways they're no longer able to interact with you, speak to you, or make demands on your time…..they'll generally start calling you a bitch. People will EXPECT you to allow them to walk all over you....then get pissed AT YOU when you don't. Always better to be the "bitch" (with boundaries!!) then the "team player" who gets rode hard & put up wet.

2. When others ignore your boundaries, what they're really asking you to do is make to YOURSELF uncomfortable so that THEY can remain comfortable. But we not doing that anymore in 2019. Just say no.

3. You shouldn’t be willing to betray yourself for the sake of maintaining a relationship with ANYONE: sister, mom, grandma, boss, cousin, friend, partner, etc. Boundaries are for everyone, ESPECIALLY family. Plus, I don’t think that God intended for any of us to betray ourselves just to maintain certain relationships. Hell naw.

4. A huge part of worthiness & self esteem & self empowerment is knowing and BELIEVING that you have a RIGHT to your feelings. And the second equally important part is behaving like you truly believe in this right. By definition, BOUNDARIES are gonna make some people uncomfortable. But if you can remember this going in, you won't be caught by surprise when you start getting pushback. Or hearing the B-word.

It’s taken me until my late 30s to decide thatI’d rather have people dislike me if their approval comes at the expense of me liking myself. 
Because I'm not willing to give that up.
It’smy jobto set the rules of engagement for the types of relationships I WANT to be in & how I expect to be addressed & spoken to & loved & treated and then to make sure that my wishes are respected. 

So if honoring myself makes me a bitch in someone’s eyes…..
I’m okay with that.
Because nothing is more important to me than being able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and truly LIKE the woman staring back at me.

And I hope that’s important for you too.

If you’re great at honoring yourself, reply to this email & let me know ONE special thing you do to ensure that happens. And if you’re not so great….tell me ONE new way you can commit to honoring yourself more in the next 7 days.

Looking forward to hearing from you! 

Xo,
D.

Nothing matters more than your Core Values. Here's Why.

I used to say that I don’t "do small talk” but I’ve realized that…...
that’s not quite accurate.

I can shoot the shit with the best of them (and do!!) but the truth is, I don't have much bandwidth for that kinda thing. Because it’s hard for me to act like I care about superficial things I don’t actually care about & it exhausts me to talk about fluff, never quite reaching far enough below the surface to get to the things that REALLY matter. Things like:

Spirit & Soul.
Evolving friendships.
The discomfort of success.
Reconciling the past.
Love.
Emotional Trauma.
Taboo Sex.
Money.
What it takes to make marriage last.
Creating work you love.
Failure.
The in-between years.
Death.  

Suffice it to day, I’m a woman who loves intimate conversation.

And when I’m lucky enough to meet people with whom I can get share this kinda dialogue, I love to ask them about their Core Personal Values.

And most of them are like, “My Values? Ummm…..what do you mean?”
‘Cause the frightening fact is, the majority of the people I meet don't even know what I'm talking about. 

They can list the TV shows they watch or the Instagram accounts they love or their favorite vacation destinations but…..when it comes to articulating the Core Personal Values that guide their lives?

Few people can articulate them clearly and/or directly.
And I happen to think that’s a pretty big problem.

Because if you don’t understand the true function of Values in your life (what I like to call Core Personal Values or CPVs), then you have no idea that they’re the CORE INGREDIENT to designing a life you deeply desire. That CPVs are about making sure that you are BEING WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE in this world. And when it comes to living a life of alignment--one that deeply resonates with the woman you say you want to be--nothing matters more than knowing your core personal values.

Here’s what I mean:

1. Think about your life like a simple house. You have a foundation (operational beliefs you hold about life itself, God, etc), a roof (how you present to the world, your outward behaviors) & a few studs/pillars that hold up the roof (your CPVs). And in the same way that pillars hold up a roof, your Core Personal Values are the very things that hold up your LIFE. Because the choices you make--the people you date, the jobs you take, the places you live, the food you eat, the vacations you schedule, the books you read, the music you consume--are all just a reflection of your core beliefs. Which is why I say, the only way we really know who you are is by what you do. It’s not enough to just TELL people who we are--we must SHOW them as well.

2. If you can’t articulate what matters to you, then your life is gonna be a reflection of the fact that you aren’t really CLEAR about what matters to you. Unsatisfied, uninspired with no idea why...which means you’re probably all over the place. At the end of the day, our choices & behaviors are what make up our lives, not our words. You say family is important but--can I tell that by your behavior?? Do you live a life that says “Family is important to me”? Would your values be evident if you didn’t open up your mouth & tell me? I live by the Chinese proverb that says “To know and not do is to not know at all”. Which means that when you say you “know better”...you gotta act like it. And CPVs make sure that what YOU SAY is important to you & what YOUR BEHAVIOR says is important to you are in alignment. Amen for that. 
   
   3. CPVs are like your personal Global Positioning System (GPS). Because when you’re clear about your CPVs you’re left with ACTIONABLE behaviors. It’s not enough to say one of your CPVs is “FREEDOM”--the work of creating values asks ”What does FREEDOM actually LOOK LIKE to you??”. Does that mean putting your bills on autopay? Homeschooling your kids? 3 day work weeks? Or reading in bed every morning for an hour?  Once we define our values we have to go one step further & figure how how these values should show up in our lives. What they look like. And THAT is how your CPVs help to make sure that you’re being the kinda woman you really want to be.

Last weekend I took a course from Maya Elious & during the training she gave an example saying, “No one can talk about Personal Values like Dayka does--and she knows it in & out.”

And that’s true.

I will sit in any living room,
in front of any microphone,
on any stage,
talking about Core Personal Values because ‘till I’m blue in the face because I love helping uninspired women find the clarity, confidence and empowerment to get unstuck & create lives they deeply desire by identifying their VALUES. And I'm gonna start talking about this more because...it's clear I don't do it nearly enough. 

In the meantime, if you know YOUR CPVs (or even just one!) I’d love to hear about them! Reply to this email & let me know more about the CPVs you're cultivating for 2019 ('cause I'm nosy like that. lol.). 

xo,
d.