SAVE THIS MESSAGE FOR WHEN THE HARD TIMES COME

The other day on IG, I shared some personal advice on  “How to get through hard times.” It’s a pretty damn good post (if I do say so myself!) because it’s 5 BASIC THINGS we sometimes forget to do (or try to avoid doing!) when we’re going through The Valley of the Shadow of Death. I’d love for you to click here to read it in its entirety, but before you do, I need to add an addendum.

There’s something REALLY important that I left off that list:

#6: Be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for support. 

One of the things I see and experience time & time again while talking with clients is a palpable sense of desperation to be and feel more supported in their lives. But the odd thing is that–when the shit hits the fan?? 

They don’t ask for the help they need.

Instead, they tend to shut down. 

They turn inward. 

They go silent. 

They “don’t want anyone in their business”. 

They don’t want to be “judged” for their need. 

They “don’t like asking for help”.

And it’s fascinating to witness because it creates a situation where they literally ARE NOT allowing the very support they need. Then they say things like,  

No one cares about me. 

Or…

The people around me never support me.

And then, as their coach, it’s my job to start probing and asking the deeper questions like….

• Do your people know you need help?

• Who specifically have you asked?

• What EXACTLY did you say?

• What specific support did you ask for?

• How did they respond?

• And most importantly, How did YOU respond to THEIR response (or lack of)?

Because the fact of the matter is–most of us have that bad habit of shutting down when we need help. 

Especially women.

Particularly WOC.

Acutely Black women. 

We’re so used to just going, going, going, and doing, doing, doing that when we can’t DO anymore?

When LIFE happens to us and we can no longer be the engine that actually DRIVES everything around us?

Our worlds fucking collapse. 

People break our hearts. 

But the truth is that….in some ways? 

We have also broken our own. 

And be clear–this isn’t shame because I GET IT. I’ve done it before FOR DECADES. 

I somehow convinced myself that “not needing anything” would let people know I was “strong”, and by seeing my “quiet strength”, they’d subconsciously feel MORE COMPELLED to proactively offer help, guidance & support….. 

…without me opening up my mouth and asking.

(I just chuckled when I typed those words because this version of me can now hear just how INSANE that sounds). 

And as we all know, it doesn’t work like that. 

Not because people are mean. 

Not because they don’t love or care for you.

Not because they aren’t “concerned enough” about your wellbeing. 

Sometimes it’s really as simple as–you didn’t open up your mouth and say something.

And no matter how amazing & emotionally aware your partner is,

No matter how many tears you cry in front of your friends,

No matter how many hints you drop about needing help,

No matter how many times you casually drop that you don’t have your bill/rent/mortgage/food money, 

It will still always, always, always be your responsibility to ask for the support you need. 

Because this is what it means to speak your truth, know your worth & trust your authority–

Telling the truth about what you need,

Knowing & believing that you are worthy of support,

And then trusting in your God-given authority to be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for the support you need to get it. 

Amen?

Xo,

D.

THIS IS HOW YOU CREATE SELF-SOVEREIGNTY

Self Sovereignty, at its core, is about BELONGING TO YOURSELF & being your own authority.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
It's about doing the deep internal work to know, trust & honor yourself so you can design a life that tells a more COMPLETE truth of the woman you truly are, instead of constantly looking around at your life thinking, ​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
"Not this." 🚫​​​​​​​​
"Not me." ✌🏾​​​​​​​​
And most dangerously of all:​​​​​​​​
"Fuck this shit." 🧨🔥​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
The reality is, sometimes creating the life YOU KNOW you're here to have requires setting a blowtorch to everything around you but...if it ultimately brings you more PEACE in the end?​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
I'd say the destination was 1000% worth the journey.​​​​​​​​
Wouldn't you?

if they do it to themselves? They'll do it to you too.

Last week's newsletter got me to thinking a lot about "betrayal".
And how there's actually a way to recognize when you're speeding down the road toward it.

So this is a bit of a follow-up from last week.

When you surround yourself with people who constantly betray themselves--in their relationships, their self-talk, the work they produce for the world, their health, their self-esteem--you will ALWAYS look like you're "doing too much" when you're standing too close to them.

Too demanding. 
Too entitled. 
Too assertive.
Not "humble" enough (which is a word I absolutely HATE, but more on that another time).  
Asking for too much. 

There will always be an attitude of, "Who does she think she is??", when you're in their vicinity.
And it will always be your job to tell those people just exactly who you are. 

When you surround yourself with people who fear the sound of their own voice--
those who are afraid to take up too much space in the world, who believe they need "permission" to be their real selves & who make a habit of walking softly just so they don't disturb the landscape--
YOU will always feel an elephant in a tea shop. 
Always.

And you gotta get really, really clear about this pattern so that YOU don't end up betraying YOURSELF, simply because you let their shit seep into yours. 

Sometimes the problem is you.
And sometimes it's actually them.  

These people will be appalled when they learn you aren't afraid of YOUR voice.
That you have the audacity to not only stand tall but to speak loudly.
To express your opinion--regardless of hierarchy or title.
And to say "No"--without justification--and mean it. 

And the fact that they are appalled,
offended,
turned off,
and/or threatened by your self-empowering behavior
will be a sure sign that those are not your people. 

So stop trying to make them be your people, mmmkay?
Just stop.

Because here's the truth:

Sometimes you ARE the problem. 
Sometimes it's you who needs a perspective shift, energy realignment, reality check, or a whopping dose of gratitude. 

But sometimes…it's actually the people you keep surrounding yourself with who are making you THINK you're the problem.

Which means your "real problem" is that you can't tell the difference between those who truly root for you & those who don't.  
Between alignment & misalignment.
Between relationships that help your soul grow, expand & become more, versus those that encourage you to just stay where you are. 
Or even worse, those that encourage you to shrink. 
And it's imperative that you learn the difference between the two, for yourself. According to your own personal standards.

The goal--in friendship, love-ship, work-ship, life-ship--is to connect & partner with people who have the ability to BOTH, remind you of your greatness, AND call you on your shit. 

To me, that's love. 

So as you continue to refine your definition of success, remember that the company you keep along your journey MATTERS. Because there's nothing worse than spending your entire life trying to be more like "them".....only to find out "they" were the problem all along.

Am I right or am I right??

xo,
d. 

I WAS WRONG ABOUT SUCCESS.

I've recently redefined my personal definition of what it means to live a successful life. 
And I think it's a definition worth sharing. 

I used to think it was about leaving a financial legacy for others, who my (potential future) child might become, the impactful products I could create or simply having the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want, every single day.

But this phase of my life has taught me that my beliefs are actually much simpler.
That less really does mean more.

A successful life, for me, is one that doesn't require me to betray myself just to exist in this world.
One where I don't befriend people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't partner and/or make love to people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't work with people who ask me to betray myself (or around those who betray themselves). 
One where I don't intentionally self sabotage as a means of betraying the very essence of who I am.

The truth is, I've never thought I was inferior to anyone (and I've recently heard from enough elementary school teachers to know I've been like this a LONG time!).
On the contrary, it's my incredible power that I've often been afraid of.
And most of the time when I've found myself in trouble, it's because I was busy trying to fit into spaces I didn't belong, with people who brought out the smallest version of myself.
So staying in my power is what I focus on now.

I've come to understand that the best gift I can give this world is all of me, fully expressed. And what that looks like may change from moment to moment but....I'm now clear that it's really all I can endeavor to give.

What does a fully expressed Dayka look like?, you may ask. 
Good question.

Right now it looks like traveling the world to recover bits of my soul in random cities, leaning into affirming & unexpected human connections, telling the truth & teaching others to tell theirs, working & living alongside people who honor their values, and--most importantly--making sure there is always a period after my "No".

Not a comma. 

To be honest, your "success" will always leave you feeling unfulfilled if you haven't done the work of grounding/quantifying/qualifying/defining it for yourself. Anything less than that means you're on the fast track to wasting your entire life trying to live up to someone else's definition--one that you don't even believe in.
One that turns you into a second rate version of yourself.
One makes you become someone your soul knows it's not meant to be.
And that kinda life ain't a life worth living. 

So if you haven't taken the time to define success for yourself....please do so.
Please.
Because every day without clarity is a day you can't get back.
And I know some people may fight me on this but.....your PERSONAL definition of success shouldn't be about something outside of you like your kids or your partner or your parents or even how other people receive the work that you put into the world.
Because these are things (or people) that will ALWAYS be beyond your control.
And personal success is about YOU & the things you CAN control. 
I don't think I understood that before.
That's why I was wrong. 

So if you know your personal definition of success & want to share it with me, hit "reply" to let me know what moves you. 
I love hearing from you guys.

THE PURPOSE OF WORK.

Two weeks ago my mother's best friend's husband unexpectedly died of a massive heart attack. This woman was like a sister to her, and I know her as an aunt...their kids are like cousins. My "uncle" was just a few months short of retirement from an esteemed career at Chevron and as expected, it's been a hard reality for the family to face.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how close he was to retirement which in turn, has made me think a lot about work. About the purpose of it and, of course, what we're really doing with the finite, unknown about of time we have on this earth. Thank God he was happy with his.

I've shared this before, but I actually think a lot about death because for me it's a reminder that I don't have the luxury to bet against time that has not been guaranteed to me. I use that as a way to stay motivated, ESPECIALLY as it pertains to all of the work I still want to produce. There is SO much I want to do, and I'm constantly reminding myself:

You're not gonna be here forever, Dayka--do it now. Here's the thing: how you think about what "work" means--and more specifically, the value of YOUR work in the world--is one of the single most important factors to influence how you'll spend the majority of your days. 

We get so caught up with using work as a way to meet our goals, instead of embracing the idea that meaningful work actually IS the goal, that we miss some of the most important questions:

How are you making a contribution to the world with your work? What are you allowing to come through you?

If your work is just a way for you to buy nice things & pay for vacations, then you stay in a perpetual cycle of working to reach the next milestone. And it's never enough, because as soon as you grab the carrot that's right in front of you, you jump right back on the hamster wheel hungry for the next milestone.

So you're basically working to get your next "fix".Just like a drug addict.

No thought is actually given to the work itself, it's just "I need to make $X/month so I can go buy xxx." And your life ends up being subdivided by shit you probably won't remember when you're staring down your last days.

And here's the thing: if this is what you really want--what you're INTENTIONALLY choosing for yourself--then there's nothing wrong with this path. Work your job, buy your stuff, and rinse & repeat as much as possible until your body just can't do it anymore. If that truly makes you happy, then do you, boo.

But if it doesn't, then it's time to do something different.

The only thing about this journey to purposeful work is, there's no one right answer for everybody. What works for me might not work for you. The places I've found success could potentially be failures for you (and vice versa!). But when you recognize that the value is in the journey and not just in the destination, concepts like "failure" and "success" take on a completely different meaning.

They don't really mean anything, actually. 

If you see work as integral to your soul's growth, then the journey of creating a life becomes focused on the process of work itself--of working to uncover your path, acknowledging the dead ends & embracing the forks in the road, the fuck-ups AS WELL AS the achievements. If you see it as your obligation to the world--for occupying space on this planet--then you get that you have to continuously bring everything you are to your work. And that at its highest,

Your work is supposed to be a reflection of who you are. 

This doesn't mean that you're always going to LIKE what you're doing at every step along the way, but it does mean that your essential quest is about much more than just "making money".

Going to Disneyworld. Buying new countertops.The latest 70" flat screen tv.Or a new Tesla. Buying stuff.

These things may add value to your life, but they should never be the source of the value. 

Being mindful about what you put into the world isn't just about watching the words that come out of your mouth--it's also about what you're intentionally creating for the world in a way that only you can do. It's about beign open to the fact that what you THINK you're here to do may not in fact be what you end up doing..and instead fighting against that change, you allow yourself to embrace it. It's about getting really comfortable with the unknown.

The naked-in-bed kinda comfortable.

Because when you commit to growing your soul, there are no guarantees on this path(and there are no guarantees on ANY path, btw). You'll meet a lot of unknowns & seemingly scary places....places where there's not always a quick fix for what's ailing you.But if you're one of the people who can lay their heads down at night believing that what you do matters,

Then you've got something special. Something worth holding onto. Something worth fighting for.

Your beliefs about how you live & move in this world matter, and if you don't know exactly what you believe....this is where you must start. This is your work.

What you do in this world matters.Don't ever believe that it doesn't. 

**also, yesterday I released a very cool Black Book of Solo Travel for the woman who wants to know how to safely travel the world like the badass she is. And it's only $10. Click the link to head to my shop to check it out.**

HOW TO RECLAIM YOUR TIME.

I had to shut it all the way down this week.My energy was totally depleted & I found myself physically and emotionally exhausted.

Between an incredibly full schedule last week, an emotionally draining conversation over the weekend, entertaining out of town guests, new work projects, late night conversations and Charlottesville having me really feel enraged, once again, at the plight of being black in this country... my damn cup was empty, y'all. 

Like, not even a drop left in that thing.And it was no ones fault but my own.

To quote Auntie Maxine, I (desperately) needed to reclaim my time.

So I said no to work, to friends, and cancelled dinner dates.

I filled my refrigerator with food Monday afternoon, spent the evening listening to a book on tape while lounging in a massive bubble bath, and then climbed my naked, ashy ass into bed & stayed there for 3 days.

And it was everything.

I didn't return any emails, work related or otherwise. Didn't leave the house. Didn't open the drapes. Didn't really leave my bed except for food.

My only plan? Resting until I felt like I didn't need to rest anymore.

Taking care of myself. Recentering. Recuperating.Reclaiming my time.

Because somehow I got way off track over the last 2 weeks. Didn't do a great job of monitoring my input vs. my output. Started giving people more of myself than what I actually had to give. And it left me feeling like shit. 

And while self care is this idea people seem to love in theory, they don't always love it in practice. We seem to feel VERY entitled to each other's time. That our urgent needs means others should adapt to our schedules. That taking days to rest your body & mind--when you're not actually sick--is an indulgent luxury when in fact...

it should be standard practice.

Because allowing your cup to get all the way empty is unhealthy. And dangerous. 

I love to talk about this because I know that I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets that I have the right to say no...but that's the only way we can truly reclaim our time.

No, I will not allow you to manage my time. No, I will not put my needs on the back burner. No, I won't apologize for needing a break. 

People like other people who like themselves. And you know how you like yourself? By making you a priority.Putting your needs first, even if it's inconvenient for others.

Because "reclaiming my time" is really more than just a catchphrase--it's a call to action. A reminder that you are the guardian of the time that's been given to you while you're on this earth. 

It is YOURS. It belongs to YOU. And it's your responsibility to manage it, direct it, decrease it, or increase it, as you see fit.

But you must be the one to do it. 

NEVER be afraid to wave the white flag in your life. If you don't feel well, tell the truth.  If you're burned out from work, tell the truth.  If your relationships aren't supporting you, tell the truth.  If you don't know exactly WTF is wrong, but you know for sure that something just ain't right, then tell the truth about that too. 

I'm spending this last weekday catching up on work & even though a project went a little haywire while I was away, I don't regret waving my flag & closing shop. There was nothing I could've done to avoid the mishap & more importantly, I know that I'm of no service to my clients if I'm not first serving myself.

I needed every single one of those 3 days off, so I took them. THAT'S how you reclaim your time.