SAVE THIS MESSAGE FOR WHEN THE HARD TIMES COME

The other day on IG, I shared some personal advice on  “How to get through hard times.” It’s a pretty damn good post (if I do say so myself!) because it’s 5 BASIC THINGS we sometimes forget to do (or try to avoid doing!) when we’re going through The Valley of the Shadow of Death. I’d love for you to click here to read it in its entirety, but before you do, I need to add an addendum.

There’s something REALLY important that I left off that list:

#6: Be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for support. 

One of the things I see and experience time & time again while talking with clients is a palpable sense of desperation to be and feel more supported in their lives. But the odd thing is that–when the shit hits the fan?? 

They don’t ask for the help they need.

Instead, they tend to shut down. 

They turn inward. 

They go silent. 

They “don’t want anyone in their business”. 

They don’t want to be “judged” for their need. 

They “don’t like asking for help”.

And it’s fascinating to witness because it creates a situation where they literally ARE NOT allowing the very support they need. Then they say things like,  

No one cares about me. 

Or…

The people around me never support me.

And then, as their coach, it’s my job to start probing and asking the deeper questions like….

• Do your people know you need help?

• Who specifically have you asked?

• What EXACTLY did you say?

• What specific support did you ask for?

• How did they respond?

• And most importantly, How did YOU respond to THEIR response (or lack of)?

Because the fact of the matter is–most of us have that bad habit of shutting down when we need help. 

Especially women.

Particularly WOC.

Acutely Black women. 

We’re so used to just going, going, going, and doing, doing, doing that when we can’t DO anymore?

When LIFE happens to us and we can no longer be the engine that actually DRIVES everything around us?

Our worlds fucking collapse. 

People break our hearts. 

But the truth is that….in some ways? 

We have also broken our own. 

And be clear–this isn’t shame because I GET IT. I’ve done it before FOR DECADES. 

I somehow convinced myself that “not needing anything” would let people know I was “strong”, and by seeing my “quiet strength”, they’d subconsciously feel MORE COMPELLED to proactively offer help, guidance & support….. 

…without me opening up my mouth and asking.

(I just chuckled when I typed those words because this version of me can now hear just how INSANE that sounds). 

And as we all know, it doesn’t work like that. 

Not because people are mean. 

Not because they don’t love or care for you.

Not because they aren’t “concerned enough” about your wellbeing. 

Sometimes it’s really as simple as–you didn’t open up your mouth and say something.

And no matter how amazing & emotionally aware your partner is,

No matter how many tears you cry in front of your friends,

No matter how many hints you drop about needing help,

No matter how many times you casually drop that you don’t have your bill/rent/mortgage/food money, 

It will still always, always, always be your responsibility to ask for the support you need. 

Because this is what it means to speak your truth, know your worth & trust your authority–

Telling the truth about what you need,

Knowing & believing that you are worthy of support,

And then trusting in your God-given authority to be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for the support you need to get it. 

Amen?

Xo,

D.

MY MANIFESTO FOR VALUES CENTERED LIVING

Call me crazy, but I want to live in a world where honesty, integrity, bravery & truth are core values that we hold as a collective. And not just the pretty, convenient truths but the inconvenient ones too. The kind that require emotional vulnerability, courage, uncomfortable conversations & drawing clear lines in the sand. 

I want the messy decisions to be applauded. The ones we make based on our inner truths & most passionate core values, not solely on how they impact our wallet. Where, as a community, we touch & agree that our bottom line must be about igniting our fire, sparking our inner genius, continuous self-discovery, taking radical responsibility for our needs, and being in integrity with our own soul.

 Not just the dollars & cents. 

Hell-fucking-naw. 

I want us to grow brave enough to show up to this life as ourselves and to know with every fiber of our being that someone will be there to greet us the moment we take our mask off by saying, “Me too. You are not alone.”

I know this is pie-in-the-sky level shit and yet….it’s my dream.

That we each feel emboldened by our own unique desires & passions…without them being overshadowed by fears that we can’t have both, the dream AND a deeply nourishing love. Or that surrendering to our passions will relegate us to spending our entire lives financially hovering just above the poverty line, barely getting by. 

 I don’t want to have to abandon myself to succeed. 

I don’t want to become completely unrecognizable to the people I know & love to succeed.

I don’t want to have to discard my dreams to succeed. 

I don’t want to have to stop cursing, talking about kinky sex, or my deep devotion to God to succeed.

 I want it all.

For me and for you, too. This freedom is for all of us.

So I dream of a world where women & girls feel free to choose themselves first and create soulfully, thoughtfully, diligently, intentionally created lives that light them up. Lives that deeply matter to them. Where we’re encouraged to trust ourselves, to listen to ourselves, and to turn inward before we turn outward. A world where the heroine’s journey is celebrated and venturing off the beaten path is both the goal AND standard. Where exploration, creativity & curation are the only norms we’re pushed to follow and where the most profound questions always lead us back to ourselves. 

 I truly believe there’s only ONE thing that we’re all sent here to do:

Show up our lives with radical honesty, a willingness to surrender to What Is, and a commitment to let go of anything & everyone that tells us that we can’t be the person our soul is telling us to be (yes, in my world this is ONE thing, lol ). But this all starts with vulnerability & truth. 

 So listen to that small voice that keeps telling you, 

"There’s more for you than this.” 

Trust it. And follow it like your life depends on it…

because it actually does.

The 2009 to 2019 challenge.

Here's the biggest difference between my 2009 self and my 2019 self:

The old version worried a lot about external things—whether people liked my work, my body, my skin, my blog, who I was with, how I spoke, etc. A lot of energy was spent on things I really couldn’t control and as a result, I didn't really focus on controlling the things I could control.

I think about all of the time I lost worrying about shit that really did not matter--things that would eventually get worked out in their own way & time--and I marvel at all of the things I potentially could've gotten done if only I knew better.
And if only I'd had a little more faith. 

But this 2019 version?
It’s the total opposite.

I'm super confident in my skin & my only “worry” is being in alignment with who I say I am. Making sure that I genuinely LIKE the woman I am creating. Making it a priority to spend time with the people I want to be around & visit the places I want to see & invest in the opportunities that will bring me joy & building a business that really HELPS women take off their masks and be their full, unapologetic selves.
Using my life & my stories to do what only I can uniquely do best.

My focus is on worthiness & alignment & adventure & love & not only finding but creating spaces that will allow me to THRIVE in this life I’ve been gifted.
In a word, my focus is JOY.

And these may sound like simple tasks but truly—it’s taken me every single bit of these last 10 years to get here. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is actually the simplest thing to do, because all it requires is that you LET GO & allow life to work certain things out in its own way.

Will ever I find my life partner & get married & travel the world with him?
I believe so but who knows?
Will I ever move to Madrid?
I believe so but who knows?
Will I ever be debt free?
I believe so but who knows?
Will I ever have a child?
We'll see what God sayeth 'cause...I'm still not sure about this one!

The reality is, I only want that which has my name on it.
And if these 10 years have taught me anything, it's that I've wasted time a lot of time trying to force certain things to have my name on them that were not in fact for me. And that some of the things I thought were for me were indeed mine, but they just weren't mine to hold forever.

The last decade has taught me that the best indicator of my growth is a sense of alignment between who I am & how I show up in the world. And that if I can just continue to seek that alignemnt in everything I do....

I will end up exactly where I want to be.
(And I'm pretty sure that you will too, if you follow the same strategy.)


Happy New Year, friends. May 2019 be your best year yet! 

xo,
d.

if they do it to themselves? They'll do it to you too.

Last week's newsletter got me to thinking a lot about "betrayal".
And how there's actually a way to recognize when you're speeding down the road toward it.

So this is a bit of a follow-up from last week.

When you surround yourself with people who constantly betray themselves--in their relationships, their self-talk, the work they produce for the world, their health, their self-esteem--you will ALWAYS look like you're "doing too much" when you're standing too close to them.

Too demanding. 
Too entitled. 
Too assertive.
Not "humble" enough (which is a word I absolutely HATE, but more on that another time).  
Asking for too much. 

There will always be an attitude of, "Who does she think she is??", when you're in their vicinity.
And it will always be your job to tell those people just exactly who you are. 

When you surround yourself with people who fear the sound of their own voice--
those who are afraid to take up too much space in the world, who believe they need "permission" to be their real selves & who make a habit of walking softly just so they don't disturb the landscape--
YOU will always feel an elephant in a tea shop. 
Always.

And you gotta get really, really clear about this pattern so that YOU don't end up betraying YOURSELF, simply because you let their shit seep into yours. 

Sometimes the problem is you.
And sometimes it's actually them.  

These people will be appalled when they learn you aren't afraid of YOUR voice.
That you have the audacity to not only stand tall but to speak loudly.
To express your opinion--regardless of hierarchy or title.
And to say "No"--without justification--and mean it. 

And the fact that they are appalled,
offended,
turned off,
and/or threatened by your self-empowering behavior
will be a sure sign that those are not your people. 

So stop trying to make them be your people, mmmkay?
Just stop.

Because here's the truth:

Sometimes you ARE the problem. 
Sometimes it's you who needs a perspective shift, energy realignment, reality check, or a whopping dose of gratitude. 

But sometimes…it's actually the people you keep surrounding yourself with who are making you THINK you're the problem.

Which means your "real problem" is that you can't tell the difference between those who truly root for you & those who don't.  
Between alignment & misalignment.
Between relationships that help your soul grow, expand & become more, versus those that encourage you to just stay where you are. 
Or even worse, those that encourage you to shrink. 
And it's imperative that you learn the difference between the two, for yourself. According to your own personal standards.

The goal--in friendship, love-ship, work-ship, life-ship--is to connect & partner with people who have the ability to BOTH, remind you of your greatness, AND call you on your shit. 

To me, that's love. 

So as you continue to refine your definition of success, remember that the company you keep along your journey MATTERS. Because there's nothing worse than spending your entire life trying to be more like "them".....only to find out "they" were the problem all along.

Am I right or am I right??

xo,
d. 

THIS IS MY WHY. (Part Two)

PART TWO CONTINUED.....

When we think there's something wrong with who we are, we try to find ways to fit in & disappear.

Simply because we don't understand our own self worth. 

In my case, I thought my success lie in trying to shave down my edges & round off my corners instead of uncovering new ways to actually accentuate my unique features. To clearly articulate what makes me, me.
Thank God I eventually I found my way.

But here's why I'm sharing all of this with you:

The early part of my life had to be exactly what it was so that it could prepare me to become the woman I am today--one who's incredibly passionate about personal responsibility and self empowerment, ESPECIALLY as it pertains to women.  

Why? 

Because we're often taught (and even encouraged) to shrink from an early age. And that is EXACTLY why--as adult women--we end up with lives that look NOTHING like the ones we planned so long ago. Because we've been socialized to give our power away before we even realize what's happening. 

Don't be too confident. Don't talk too much. Don't curse. Don't be intimidating. Don't dress like that. Be nice. Learn how to cook. Look like you're 17 even though you're 45. Keep your nails done. Be agreeable. Don't brag about your accomplishments. Keep a clean house. Keep a man. Be sweet. Don't be too demanding. Don't raise your voice. Make sure your pedicure is on point. Keep a Brazilian. Be humble. Wait your turn patiently. Know every sex trick in the book but don't sleep with too many men. Don't stand out too much. Get along with the group. Don't be so assertive. Look pretty. Don't be a know-it-all. And be quiet.

It's fucking exhausting. 

And when we grow up being bombarded with these kinds of messages, it dulls our ability to trust in ourselves & our natural instincts.
Because all we ever hear is "You're doing it is wrong, do it like this instead".
And let me tell you, a lack of trust never, ever turns out well. 
In any situation.

We learn to shrink at home, we learn it in school, we learn it from our fathers, brothers & boyfriends, we learn it from our mothers, colleagues at work & women in our social circles. But it's time to start unlearning some of that stuff if you truly intend on embodying your highest vision of yourself. 

Yet here's the catch: only you can do this unlearning for yourself. 

It is not your parent's job, your best friend's job or your spouse's responsibility to make you feel good about who you really are.
Because worthiness is an inside job, my friend.
So is self esteem.  

And making someone responsible for your wholeness and your empowerment is too much power to give any one person (or group of people) over your life.

And once I really understood this--realizing that I didn't have to wait for other people to change because I could change MYSELF--a whole new world opened up to me.  Remembering that at ALL times, it is not only my right but my responsibility to EMPOWER MYSELF. 

To make choices that are soul affirming.
To stand in my power at all times & not hand it over to someone else. 
To fill my own cup & not expect someone else to do it for me. 
To write my own narrative & create my own love story & fill my life with the things that nurture and affirm ME.
And to remember that the only things I really need are the things that come from within.

So back to him. 

If I had truly known my worth from the beginning, we wouldn't have been together in the first place. 

And once I had the courage to be honest with myself & acknowledge that I simply PUT UP with too much for too long because I didn't know better, something just shifted. I was able to release him from the story I'd been telling (his fault! his fault! his fault!) and start to do the work that really mattered--my own. 

Because taking responsibility doesn't look like pointing out all of the ways he could've shown up better. Instead, it means asking one simple question:

What was it about me that made me decide that kind of behavior was okay in the first place??

And answering that question, my friends, is where the real work starts.

There was a time many years ago when I didn't know better but now I do.
And I want you to know better, too.

This is my Why.

xo,
d. 

THIS IS MY WHY. (Part One)

Dayka Robinson This Is Why 2016

When I was 22 I was in a relationship with someone who told me my hands looked like "slave hands".

It was said as a "joke" but he didn't mean this as a term of endearment...and I certainly didn't receive it as one. 

It was many years later before I was able to call it what it really was--a comment meant to be funny at the expense of my self esteem. But keep in mind this was someone I'd known for a very long time.

Someone who said he loved me.

Someone I shared a bed & my body with.

Someone I wanted to be my husband. 

Can you imagine what it's like to be in relationship with someone who helps you dislike parts of your body that you didn't even know were up for critique??

I pray to God you never have to find out.

It was easy to walk away pointing the finger at all of his faults but many years later it hit me--he was never my real issue. 

It was me all along.

My issue was that I wasn't appalled enough to leave at the first signs of bad behavior. 

That I didn't throw him the deuces when he casually mentioned that an ex-girlfriend (whom we both had restraining orders against) was prettier than me.

And that I didn't bounce when he squeezed his hands around my neck in a fit of rage one summer afternoon. Did he have his own issues?

Absolutely. 

But those were HIS issues, not mine.

My issue was that I didn't know better.

And it's what still makes me feel so sad for that young woman. That no one specifically taught her about the depth of her worth but instead, like most young women, assumed she knew because she fit a few superficial societal markers: educated family with "good jobs", GATE schools & AP classes, exposure to different cultures & experiencing the luxury of travel to distant destinations. 

But those things don't automatically translate into knowledge of self because--as I can now tell you with all certainty--job titles, social classifications & educational degrees don't mean shit when it comes to recognizing your own worth. 

You will never learn about your worth from EXTERNAL THINGS because WORTH IS AN INSIDE JOB.

You hear me?

Worth is an inside job. 

So I made up my own rules as I went along, to fill the gap. I thought holding onto my virginity, graduating from Spelman & having the courage to speak my mind made me someone special.

Someone of value.

I didn't understand that we don't BECOME special--

that there is nothing you can do to BE special because every single one of us is special by sheer virtue of being alive. That the only thing "specialness" requires is breath in your body. It would take me many, many years to understand that...and to learn to let go of the things I'd been holding onto that were never mine to carry in the first place.

So when I talk about Personal Empowerment, know that it comes a deeply personal place. 

It's not just a catchy, social media rallying cry for me--it is thee singular tool I've used to reframe painful stories & disempowering narratives and transform them into teachable lessons...both for myself and for others. 

So do not be fooled--the Dayka you see now is someone I've had to intentionally GROW INTO over the years. 

I was the girl who never really felt like she fit in with the other kids. The one who was never "chosen" by the popular guys. I wasn't having sex, didn't cut class, didn't drink or smoke weed. 

I was just there, in plain sight, desperately wanting to be seen. 

So I spent the early part of my life trying to be different than who I naturally was because I didn't feel like I was good enough with my brown skin, weird name, dysfunctional family & assertive personality, living in a moderately acceptable zip code.

Being one of only a few black girls in my classes throughout elementary, middle & high school definitely didn't help either. 

And because I didn't feel like I fit in, I tried to find ways to make myself smaller than I was because...well, that's just what we do when we think there's something wrong with who we are: 

We try to find ways to blend in & disappear. 

Why?

I'll talk more about tomorrow in Part 2.....