Why some people think I'm a Bitch.
/I don’t apologize for taking up space in this world.
I believe that I have a right to exist just as I am, and so I move through my life in a way that communicates this expectation, verbally, physically & energetically.
But living & breathing & moving this way--especially as a woman--can make a lot of people uncomfortable.
Especially as a black woman.
Because I refuse to ask for permission.
I spent a lot of my childhood & teen years being chastised for my “adult demeanor” & difficult-to-answer questions that often came off like I was trying to challenge someone in authority.
Except I really wasn’t.
I was simply an incredibly inquisitive child, one who asked a lot of questions for which the adults in charge often didn’t have an answer. And that’s just the kinda thing that makes people really uncomfortable & defensive, especially when it comes to children who correct adults….in public.
I remember one day in class, maybe the 3rd or 5th grade, hearing the teacher say something that I KNEW was incorrect, so I raised my hand & corrected her when she called on me.
Her response?
To tell me I was being disrespectful & disruptive.
Even though we both KNEW she was wrong.
But I wasn’t intentionally being disruptive nor disrespectful.
From my child’s perspective, I simply saw an adult teaching information to a group of my peers that was factually incorrect, so I was attempting to provide with the correct info. But it was met with defensiveness, shame & critique…..even though the person in power was actually the one in the wrong.
And yes, as an adult with a fully developed ADULT brain, I now understand that it’s not always appropriate to publicly correct someone when they’re running their own show (although there are LOTS of nuances with this idea, ESPECIALLY with teachers/trainers) but when you try to shame or punish a child for TELLING THE TRUTH, it teaches them that there's something wrong with honesty.
That "authority" always matters more than the truth.
And I think there's a major problem with that idea.
It’s a belief I spent many years unlearning.
The process of letting go of that belief led me to become a woman who doesn’t believe in shrinking MYSELF to make other people comfortable in THEIR skin.
I find it neither kind nor loving nor helpful.
Instead, I believe in telling the truth & discussing emotions & setting BOUNDARIES in all areas of my life, especially the intimate ones. And it’s something I consistently preach & teach to the women I coach & those who attend my retreats.
Grown women (who were once "disruptive" little girls) are no longer called disruptive & disrespectful...now they’re just called bitches.
Ask me how I know.
So I’m here to remind you that the title of “Bitch” isn’t always a bad thing.
Here are a few points to remember:
Solid boundaries are often mistaken for bitchiness. Because when you start telling people about the ways they're no longer able to interact with you, speak to you, or make demands on your time…..they'll generally start calling you a bitch. People will EXPECT you to allow them to walk all over you....then get pissed AT YOU when you don't. Always better to be the "bitch" (with boundaries!!) then the "team player" who gets rode hard & put up wet.
When others ignore your boundaries, what they're really asking you to do is make to YOURSELF uncomfortable so that THEY can remain comfortable. But we not doing that anymore in 2019. Just say no.
You shouldn’t be willing to betray yourself for the sake of maintaining a relationship with ANYONE: sister, mom, grandma, boss, cousin, friend, partner, etc. Boundaries are for everyone, ESPECIALLY family. Plus, I don’t think that God intended for any of us to betray ourselves just to maintain certain relationships. Hell naw.
A huge part of worthiness & self esteem & self empowerment is knowing and BELIEVING that you have a RIGHT to your feelings. And the second equally important part is behaving like you truly believe in this right. By definition, BOUNDARIES are gonna make some people uncomfortable. But if you can remember this going in, you won't be caught by surprise when you start getting pushback. Or hearing the B-word.
It’s taken me until my late 30s to decide thatI’d rather have people dislike me if their approval comes at the expense of me liking myself.
Because I'm not willing to give that up.
It’smy jobto set the rules of engagement for the types of relationships I WANT to be in & how I expect to be addressed & spoken to & loved & treated and then to make sure that my wishes are respected.
So if honoring myself makes me a bitch in someone’s eyes…..
I’m okay with that.
Because nothing is more important to me than being able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and truly LIKE the woman staring back at me.
And I hope that’s important for you too.
If you’re great at honoring yourself, reply to this email & let me know ONE special thing you do to ensure that happens. And if you’re not so great….tell me ONE new way you can commit to honoring yourself more in the next 7 days.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Xo,
D.
