NORTH STAR VS. SOUTH STAR LIVES

20 years ago I thought I wanted my life to be a big house in Buckhead, a Benz in the garage, a fine ass man in the driver's seat + 2 copy/paste kids in the back. But now I’ve lived enough to know that I want MORE. 

I want the relationships & family to ENRICH my life, but I don't want them to BE my life.

I don’t want anything at the center of my life but ME. And that’s a really ballsy thing for a woman to say. 

Because relationships are easy “North Stars” for us women.

We focus on them from the moment we start getting wet between our legs & told that our security–physical, financial or emotional–can only be ensured by being in one. But every time we rush to find a partner BEFORE really exploring our own selves, the very thing we THOUGHT would be our safety blanket usually becomes our suffocation.

Because the foundation of our lives HAS to be built on something more than just our relationships. They need to be built on OURSELVES. 

I love a good North Star but honestly? I’m more of a South Star kinda gal.

That’s the one that’s illuminated by our wounds, mistakes, secrets, shame & failures. The one that asks us to lay our vulnerabilities on the table & get quiet to ask, "What thread ties these things together? What is this showing me about myself? Where am I overlooking my GOLD?” And then going THERE. Doing THOSE things. Facing THAT wound. Speaking THAT word.

North Star lives are pretty & comfortable. They’re palatable & people celebrate you for playing the role you were told. It’s the same story told over & over again but with slight variations–Birth. School. Job. Marry. Kids. Follow the same old script & keep your head above water.

And then there are South Star lives. The ones that invite you to go off the beaten path and beckon you to take your mess & turn it into magic.

Again & again & again. Constantly dying to who you were, so you can open up to who you’re here to become.

20 years ago I just wanted to fit in, play my role, & find a man to love & claim me.

But now? All I want to do is expand into new versions of myself, never stay the same & allow the one who loves THAT version of me to show up in divine time.

What a difference 20 years (and a whole lot of embodied wisdom!) makes.

Thank God for ladyballs & South Stars. 

I WAS WRONG ABOUT SUCCESS.

I've recently redefined my personal definition of what it means to live a successful life. 
And I think it's a definition worth sharing. 

I used to think it was about leaving a financial legacy for others, who my (potential future) child might become, the impactful products I could create or simply having the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want, every single day.

But this phase of my life has taught me that my beliefs are actually much simpler.
That less really does mean more.

A successful life, for me, is one that doesn't require me to betray myself just to exist in this world.
One where I don't befriend people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't partner and/or make love to people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't work with people who ask me to betray myself (or around those who betray themselves). 
One where I don't intentionally self sabotage as a means of betraying the very essence of who I am.

The truth is, I've never thought I was inferior to anyone (and I've recently heard from enough elementary school teachers to know I've been like this a LONG time!).
On the contrary, it's my incredible power that I've often been afraid of.
And most of the time when I've found myself in trouble, it's because I was busy trying to fit into spaces I didn't belong, with people who brought out the smallest version of myself.
So staying in my power is what I focus on now.

I've come to understand that the best gift I can give this world is all of me, fully expressed. And what that looks like may change from moment to moment but....I'm now clear that it's really all I can endeavor to give.

What does a fully expressed Dayka look like?, you may ask. 
Good question.

Right now it looks like traveling the world to recover bits of my soul in random cities, leaning into affirming & unexpected human connections, telling the truth & teaching others to tell theirs, working & living alongside people who honor their values, and--most importantly--making sure there is always a period after my "No".

Not a comma. 

To be honest, your "success" will always leave you feeling unfulfilled if you haven't done the work of grounding/quantifying/qualifying/defining it for yourself. Anything less than that means you're on the fast track to wasting your entire life trying to live up to someone else's definition--one that you don't even believe in.
One that turns you into a second rate version of yourself.
One makes you become someone your soul knows it's not meant to be.
And that kinda life ain't a life worth living. 

So if you haven't taken the time to define success for yourself....please do so.
Please.
Because every day without clarity is a day you can't get back.
And I know some people may fight me on this but.....your PERSONAL definition of success shouldn't be about something outside of you like your kids or your partner or your parents or even how other people receive the work that you put into the world.
Because these are things (or people) that will ALWAYS be beyond your control.
And personal success is about YOU & the things you CAN control. 
I don't think I understood that before.
That's why I was wrong. 

So if you know your personal definition of success & want to share it with me, hit "reply" to let me know what moves you. 
I love hearing from you guys.

THE PURPOSE OF WORK.

Two weeks ago my mother's best friend's husband unexpectedly died of a massive heart attack. This woman was like a sister to her, and I know her as an aunt...their kids are like cousins. My "uncle" was just a few months short of retirement from an esteemed career at Chevron and as expected, it's been a hard reality for the family to face.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how close he was to retirement which in turn, has made me think a lot about work. About the purpose of it and, of course, what we're really doing with the finite, unknown about of time we have on this earth. Thank God he was happy with his.

I've shared this before, but I actually think a lot about death because for me it's a reminder that I don't have the luxury to bet against time that has not been guaranteed to me. I use that as a way to stay motivated, ESPECIALLY as it pertains to all of the work I still want to produce. There is SO much I want to do, and I'm constantly reminding myself:

You're not gonna be here forever, Dayka--do it now. Here's the thing: how you think about what "work" means--and more specifically, the value of YOUR work in the world--is one of the single most important factors to influence how you'll spend the majority of your days. 

We get so caught up with using work as a way to meet our goals, instead of embracing the idea that meaningful work actually IS the goal, that we miss some of the most important questions:

How are you making a contribution to the world with your work? What are you allowing to come through you?

If your work is just a way for you to buy nice things & pay for vacations, then you stay in a perpetual cycle of working to reach the next milestone. And it's never enough, because as soon as you grab the carrot that's right in front of you, you jump right back on the hamster wheel hungry for the next milestone.

So you're basically working to get your next "fix".Just like a drug addict.

No thought is actually given to the work itself, it's just "I need to make $X/month so I can go buy xxx." And your life ends up being subdivided by shit you probably won't remember when you're staring down your last days.

And here's the thing: if this is what you really want--what you're INTENTIONALLY choosing for yourself--then there's nothing wrong with this path. Work your job, buy your stuff, and rinse & repeat as much as possible until your body just can't do it anymore. If that truly makes you happy, then do you, boo.

But if it doesn't, then it's time to do something different.

The only thing about this journey to purposeful work is, there's no one right answer for everybody. What works for me might not work for you. The places I've found success could potentially be failures for you (and vice versa!). But when you recognize that the value is in the journey and not just in the destination, concepts like "failure" and "success" take on a completely different meaning.

They don't really mean anything, actually. 

If you see work as integral to your soul's growth, then the journey of creating a life becomes focused on the process of work itself--of working to uncover your path, acknowledging the dead ends & embracing the forks in the road, the fuck-ups AS WELL AS the achievements. If you see it as your obligation to the world--for occupying space on this planet--then you get that you have to continuously bring everything you are to your work. And that at its highest,

Your work is supposed to be a reflection of who you are. 

This doesn't mean that you're always going to LIKE what you're doing at every step along the way, but it does mean that your essential quest is about much more than just "making money".

Going to Disneyworld. Buying new countertops.The latest 70" flat screen tv.Or a new Tesla. Buying stuff.

These things may add value to your life, but they should never be the source of the value. 

Being mindful about what you put into the world isn't just about watching the words that come out of your mouth--it's also about what you're intentionally creating for the world in a way that only you can do. It's about beign open to the fact that what you THINK you're here to do may not in fact be what you end up doing..and instead fighting against that change, you allow yourself to embrace it. It's about getting really comfortable with the unknown.

The naked-in-bed kinda comfortable.

Because when you commit to growing your soul, there are no guarantees on this path(and there are no guarantees on ANY path, btw). You'll meet a lot of unknowns & seemingly scary places....places where there's not always a quick fix for what's ailing you.But if you're one of the people who can lay their heads down at night believing that what you do matters,

Then you've got something special. Something worth holding onto. Something worth fighting for.

Your beliefs about how you live & move in this world matter, and if you don't know exactly what you believe....this is where you must start. This is your work.

What you do in this world matters.Don't ever believe that it doesn't. 

**also, yesterday I released a very cool Black Book of Solo Travel for the woman who wants to know how to safely travel the world like the badass she is. And it's only $10. Click the link to head to my shop to check it out.**

HOW TO RECLAIM YOUR TIME.

I had to shut it all the way down this week.My energy was totally depleted & I found myself physically and emotionally exhausted.

Between an incredibly full schedule last week, an emotionally draining conversation over the weekend, entertaining out of town guests, new work projects, late night conversations and Charlottesville having me really feel enraged, once again, at the plight of being black in this country... my damn cup was empty, y'all. 

Like, not even a drop left in that thing.And it was no ones fault but my own.

To quote Auntie Maxine, I (desperately) needed to reclaim my time.

So I said no to work, to friends, and cancelled dinner dates.

I filled my refrigerator with food Monday afternoon, spent the evening listening to a book on tape while lounging in a massive bubble bath, and then climbed my naked, ashy ass into bed & stayed there for 3 days.

And it was everything.

I didn't return any emails, work related or otherwise. Didn't leave the house. Didn't open the drapes. Didn't really leave my bed except for food.

My only plan? Resting until I felt like I didn't need to rest anymore.

Taking care of myself. Recentering. Recuperating.Reclaiming my time.

Because somehow I got way off track over the last 2 weeks. Didn't do a great job of monitoring my input vs. my output. Started giving people more of myself than what I actually had to give. And it left me feeling like shit. 

And while self care is this idea people seem to love in theory, they don't always love it in practice. We seem to feel VERY entitled to each other's time. That our urgent needs means others should adapt to our schedules. That taking days to rest your body & mind--when you're not actually sick--is an indulgent luxury when in fact...

it should be standard practice.

Because allowing your cup to get all the way empty is unhealthy. And dangerous. 

I love to talk about this because I know that I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets that I have the right to say no...but that's the only way we can truly reclaim our time.

No, I will not allow you to manage my time. No, I will not put my needs on the back burner. No, I won't apologize for needing a break. 

People like other people who like themselves. And you know how you like yourself? By making you a priority.Putting your needs first, even if it's inconvenient for others.

Because "reclaiming my time" is really more than just a catchphrase--it's a call to action. A reminder that you are the guardian of the time that's been given to you while you're on this earth. 

It is YOURS. It belongs to YOU. And it's your responsibility to manage it, direct it, decrease it, or increase it, as you see fit.

But you must be the one to do it. 

NEVER be afraid to wave the white flag in your life. If you don't feel well, tell the truth.  If you're burned out from work, tell the truth.  If your relationships aren't supporting you, tell the truth.  If you don't know exactly WTF is wrong, but you know for sure that something just ain't right, then tell the truth about that too. 

I'm spending this last weekday catching up on work & even though a project went a little haywire while I was away, I don't regret waving my flag & closing shop. There was nothing I could've done to avoid the mishap & more importantly, I know that I'm of no service to my clients if I'm not first serving myself.

I needed every single one of those 3 days off, so I took them. THAT'S how you reclaim your time.