SAVE THIS MESSAGE FOR WHEN THE HARD TIMES COME

The other day on IG, I shared some personal advice on  “How to get through hard times.” It’s a pretty damn good post (if I do say so myself!) because it’s 5 BASIC THINGS we sometimes forget to do (or try to avoid doing!) when we’re going through The Valley of the Shadow of Death. I’d love for you to click here to read it in its entirety, but before you do, I need to add an addendum.

There’s something REALLY important that I left off that list:

#6: Be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for support. 

One of the things I see and experience time & time again while talking with clients is a palpable sense of desperation to be and feel more supported in their lives. But the odd thing is that–when the shit hits the fan?? 

They don’t ask for the help they need.

Instead, they tend to shut down. 

They turn inward. 

They go silent. 

They “don’t want anyone in their business”. 

They don’t want to be “judged” for their need. 

They “don’t like asking for help”.

And it’s fascinating to witness because it creates a situation where they literally ARE NOT allowing the very support they need. Then they say things like,  

No one cares about me. 

Or…

The people around me never support me.

And then, as their coach, it’s my job to start probing and asking the deeper questions like….

• Do your people know you need help?

• Who specifically have you asked?

• What EXACTLY did you say?

• What specific support did you ask for?

• How did they respond?

• And most importantly, How did YOU respond to THEIR response (or lack of)?

Because the fact of the matter is–most of us have that bad habit of shutting down when we need help. 

Especially women.

Particularly WOC.

Acutely Black women. 

We’re so used to just going, going, going, and doing, doing, doing that when we can’t DO anymore?

When LIFE happens to us and we can no longer be the engine that actually DRIVES everything around us?

Our worlds fucking collapse. 

People break our hearts. 

But the truth is that….in some ways? 

We have also broken our own. 

And be clear–this isn’t shame because I GET IT. I’ve done it before FOR DECADES. 

I somehow convinced myself that “not needing anything” would let people know I was “strong”, and by seeing my “quiet strength”, they’d subconsciously feel MORE COMPELLED to proactively offer help, guidance & support….. 

…without me opening up my mouth and asking.

(I just chuckled when I typed those words because this version of me can now hear just how INSANE that sounds). 

And as we all know, it doesn’t work like that. 

Not because people are mean. 

Not because they don’t love or care for you.

Not because they aren’t “concerned enough” about your wellbeing. 

Sometimes it’s really as simple as–you didn’t open up your mouth and say something.

And no matter how amazing & emotionally aware your partner is,

No matter how many tears you cry in front of your friends,

No matter how many hints you drop about needing help,

No matter how many times you casually drop that you don’t have your bill/rent/mortgage/food money, 

It will still always, always, always be your responsibility to ask for the support you need. 

Because this is what it means to speak your truth, know your worth & trust your authority–

Telling the truth about what you need,

Knowing & believing that you are worthy of support,

And then trusting in your God-given authority to be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for the support you need to get it. 

Amen?

Xo,

D.

YEAR END WRAP-UP: 2021

I’m taking a quiet week to myself (after a VERY emotionally rough Christmas weekend, full transparency) but wanted to pop in to say thank you for rocking with me. 

Not only this year, but in general. 

A few of you have been here a really long time–all the way back to when I first started my interior design blog in 2008–and in the event I’ve never said it before, I wanted you to know that your being here–reading my newsletters & magazines, sharing intimate details of your life in my DMs & inbox, listening to my podcast, staying engaged with my work, allowing me to guide you in Wig Snatch sessions, joining my Marrakech/Bali retreats, investing in UNAPOLOGETIC, purchasing Intention Bracelets, attending my masterclasses & workshops–really means so much to me. 

I’ve allowed myself the grace to be reborn in so many ways over the past 11 years but to be honest–haven’t always known what I was doing. Matter of fact, I’ve RARELY known ahead of time. But what I have known (or rather, felt) is when I’d arrived at the end of one journey & it was time to embark on another. It’s been scary, but I’ve honored that knowing again & again over the years and you’ve been right here beside me. So whether you’ve been here since Day 1 OR if you’ve found me recently, THANK YOU. 

Western culture tells us that the only investment that matters is money but for me, that’s simply not true. Taking a few minutes out of your day to read my emails or engage with my content is actually an investment of your most precious non-renewable resource–TIME. So even if you’ve never purchased a thing from me, I want you to know that I see you. I appreciate you. And I deeply honor your choice to invest your most valuable resource with me.

In the coming year I’ll share more about the core values & principles that guide my work, but it’s fitting to say a bit about one of them right now:

COMMUNITY. 

I LOVE COMMUNITY. I mean, I luuuuhhhhhhhhhhhvvveeeee community. I love the art of gathering humans–linked by consciously shared commitments, principles, and values–to do life together. I love shining a light on the common threads that bind us across backgrounds, stories & languages. I love reminding people, “You are not alone”. I love discussing things that can’t be explained using logic. I love connecting with humans who intentionally live their lives in radically honest & transparent ways. Who grapple with the uncertainty and complexity of what it means to be human. People who aren’t afraid to wade into deep waters, have vulnerable conversations, and ask scary questions that lead to life-changing decisions. 

THESE ARE MY KINFOLK. THIS IS THE COMMUNITY I LOVE CURATING.

And if you’re reading this, it means you’re one of these people too. 

I’m enamored with women who fully live the width & depth of their lives, celebrating their joys AND honoring their sorrows. The kind who’ll burn their entire lives down to the ground if it means a chance at showing up as a more honest & true version of themselves. Women who aren’t afraid to take the inconvenient long road if it creates a more meaningful story. The ones who publicly share their “mess” & proudly live their most deeply held principles out loud.

The Ari Corteses.

The Sheyla Perezes. 

The Brandi Sheltons.

The Andra Thomases.

The Simone Williamses.

The Courtney Cummingses.

The Keisha Fogles. 

The Kris Clarkes. 

The Jennifer Arnises.

The Ina Joneses.

The Kia Players.

The Crystal Andrewses.

The Raquel Sanchez Sullivans.

And these are just a few of the first names that came to mind. 

Doing this work, in all of its different iterations, has allowed me to meet & connect with so many humans that I NEVER EVER would’ve had the chance to meet otherwise. Hands down, I would not be the Dayka I am today without the thousands of you I’ve had personal encounters with over the last decade-plus. And words alone would never be enough to adequately articulate the abiding richness you’ve added to my life. 

The humans–you–have been the most treasured gift in my 11 years of business. You’ve expanded me. Trusted me. Taught me. Challenged me. Affirmed me. Supported me.  Encouraged me. Consoled me. Corrected me. Cared for me. Recommended me. Hyped me. Shared with me. Invested in me. And this has meant so much because entrepreneurship is fucking hard soul work. No matter if you’re making $1 or $1M. It’s not just about having the courage to put your complete trust into yourself & your own ideas, but ALSO the fact that entrepreneurship constantly exposes you to yourself. It’s a mirror for the places where your wounds are hiding. Where your childhood traumas are being triggered. Where your unexplored gifts & strengths seek to be exposed. Where your bullshit is hanging out the back of your skirt like toilet paper. And the evidence of where your deepest core beliefs are either bolstering or sabotaging your dreams. 

It’s all in there, all the time. And no matter what it may seem like from across this computer, I can assure you that I am a REAL person who experiences these things too. Yes, I’m smart as hell, brave, bold, confident, adventurous & funny AF. But I also fuck things up. I get scared. I second-guess myself. I say & do the wrong things. I hurt people’s feelings. I get humbled by life & not a week goes by that I don’t turn inward to audibly ask God for guidance, clarity & help. 

This business has been one of my biggest soul lessons & I know that I am not here on my own accord. It’s taken every ancestor, archangel, prayer, breath, oracle card, crystal, conversation, relationship, lesson, ounce of Grace, Act of God and each one of YOU to get here, so before we end the year I just wanted to send this note of thanks. If no one has told you today, YOU MATTER. You matter to people who you don’t even realize you matter to. You have made a profound difference in my life. And you have helped me know myself in a way that never could’ve been possible without your presence. I would not be here without you, my business would not be here without you and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

From the most sincere place in my heart–thank you.

I hope you have a safe, restorative New Year, in whatever way your soul is craving most. 

I love you all. See you in 2022, inshallah. 

Dayka

NORTH STAR VS. SOUTH STAR LIVES

20 years ago I thought I wanted my life to be a big house in Buckhead, a Benz in the garage, a fine ass man in the driver's seat + 2 copy/paste kids in the back. But now I’ve lived enough to know that I want MORE. 

I want the relationships & family to ENRICH my life, but I don't want them to BE my life.

I don’t want anything at the center of my life but ME. And that’s a really ballsy thing for a woman to say. 

Because relationships are easy “North Stars” for us women.

We focus on them from the moment we start getting wet between our legs & told that our security–physical, financial or emotional–can only be ensured by being in one. But every time we rush to find a partner BEFORE really exploring our own selves, the very thing we THOUGHT would be our safety blanket usually becomes our suffocation.

Because the foundation of our lives HAS to be built on something more than just our relationships. They need to be built on OURSELVES. 

I love a good North Star but honestly? I’m more of a South Star kinda gal.

That’s the one that’s illuminated by our wounds, mistakes, secrets, shame & failures. The one that asks us to lay our vulnerabilities on the table & get quiet to ask, "What thread ties these things together? What is this showing me about myself? Where am I overlooking my GOLD?” And then going THERE. Doing THOSE things. Facing THAT wound. Speaking THAT word.

North Star lives are pretty & comfortable. They’re palatable & people celebrate you for playing the role you were told. It’s the same story told over & over again but with slight variations–Birth. School. Job. Marry. Kids. Follow the same old script & keep your head above water.

And then there are South Star lives. The ones that invite you to go off the beaten path and beckon you to take your mess & turn it into magic.

Again & again & again. Constantly dying to who you were, so you can open up to who you’re here to become.

20 years ago I just wanted to fit in, play my role, & find a man to love & claim me.

But now? All I want to do is expand into new versions of myself, never stay the same & allow the one who loves THAT version of me to show up in divine time.

What a difference 20 years (and a whole lot of embodied wisdom!) makes.

Thank God for ladyballs & South Stars. 

if they do it to themselves? They'll do it to you too.

Last week's newsletter got me to thinking a lot about "betrayal".
And how there's actually a way to recognize when you're speeding down the road toward it.

So this is a bit of a follow-up from last week.

When you surround yourself with people who constantly betray themselves--in their relationships, their self-talk, the work they produce for the world, their health, their self-esteem--you will ALWAYS look like you're "doing too much" when you're standing too close to them.

Too demanding. 
Too entitled. 
Too assertive.
Not "humble" enough (which is a word I absolutely HATE, but more on that another time).  
Asking for too much. 

There will always be an attitude of, "Who does she think she is??", when you're in their vicinity.
And it will always be your job to tell those people just exactly who you are. 

When you surround yourself with people who fear the sound of their own voice--
those who are afraid to take up too much space in the world, who believe they need "permission" to be their real selves & who make a habit of walking softly just so they don't disturb the landscape--
YOU will always feel an elephant in a tea shop. 
Always.

And you gotta get really, really clear about this pattern so that YOU don't end up betraying YOURSELF, simply because you let their shit seep into yours. 

Sometimes the problem is you.
And sometimes it's actually them.  

These people will be appalled when they learn you aren't afraid of YOUR voice.
That you have the audacity to not only stand tall but to speak loudly.
To express your opinion--regardless of hierarchy or title.
And to say "No"--without justification--and mean it. 

And the fact that they are appalled,
offended,
turned off,
and/or threatened by your self-empowering behavior
will be a sure sign that those are not your people. 

So stop trying to make them be your people, mmmkay?
Just stop.

Because here's the truth:

Sometimes you ARE the problem. 
Sometimes it's you who needs a perspective shift, energy realignment, reality check, or a whopping dose of gratitude. 

But sometimes…it's actually the people you keep surrounding yourself with who are making you THINK you're the problem.

Which means your "real problem" is that you can't tell the difference between those who truly root for you & those who don't.  
Between alignment & misalignment.
Between relationships that help your soul grow, expand & become more, versus those that encourage you to just stay where you are. 
Or even worse, those that encourage you to shrink. 
And it's imperative that you learn the difference between the two, for yourself. According to your own personal standards.

The goal--in friendship, love-ship, work-ship, life-ship--is to connect & partner with people who have the ability to BOTH, remind you of your greatness, AND call you on your shit. 

To me, that's love. 

So as you continue to refine your definition of success, remember that the company you keep along your journey MATTERS. Because there's nothing worse than spending your entire life trying to be more like "them".....only to find out "they" were the problem all along.

Am I right or am I right??

xo,
d. 

I WAS WRONG ABOUT SUCCESS.

I've recently redefined my personal definition of what it means to live a successful life. 
And I think it's a definition worth sharing. 

I used to think it was about leaving a financial legacy for others, who my (potential future) child might become, the impactful products I could create or simply having the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want, every single day.

But this phase of my life has taught me that my beliefs are actually much simpler.
That less really does mean more.

A successful life, for me, is one that doesn't require me to betray myself just to exist in this world.
One where I don't befriend people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't partner and/or make love to people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't work with people who ask me to betray myself (or around those who betray themselves). 
One where I don't intentionally self sabotage as a means of betraying the very essence of who I am.

The truth is, I've never thought I was inferior to anyone (and I've recently heard from enough elementary school teachers to know I've been like this a LONG time!).
On the contrary, it's my incredible power that I've often been afraid of.
And most of the time when I've found myself in trouble, it's because I was busy trying to fit into spaces I didn't belong, with people who brought out the smallest version of myself.
So staying in my power is what I focus on now.

I've come to understand that the best gift I can give this world is all of me, fully expressed. And what that looks like may change from moment to moment but....I'm now clear that it's really all I can endeavor to give.

What does a fully expressed Dayka look like?, you may ask. 
Good question.

Right now it looks like traveling the world to recover bits of my soul in random cities, leaning into affirming & unexpected human connections, telling the truth & teaching others to tell theirs, working & living alongside people who honor their values, and--most importantly--making sure there is always a period after my "No".

Not a comma. 

To be honest, your "success" will always leave you feeling unfulfilled if you haven't done the work of grounding/quantifying/qualifying/defining it for yourself. Anything less than that means you're on the fast track to wasting your entire life trying to live up to someone else's definition--one that you don't even believe in.
One that turns you into a second rate version of yourself.
One makes you become someone your soul knows it's not meant to be.
And that kinda life ain't a life worth living. 

So if you haven't taken the time to define success for yourself....please do so.
Please.
Because every day without clarity is a day you can't get back.
And I know some people may fight me on this but.....your PERSONAL definition of success shouldn't be about something outside of you like your kids or your partner or your parents or even how other people receive the work that you put into the world.
Because these are things (or people) that will ALWAYS be beyond your control.
And personal success is about YOU & the things you CAN control. 
I don't think I understood that before.
That's why I was wrong. 

So if you know your personal definition of success & want to share it with me, hit "reply" to let me know what moves you. 
I love hearing from you guys.