THIS IS HOW YOU CREATE SELF-SOVEREIGNTY

Self Sovereignty, at its core, is about BELONGING TO YOURSELF & being your own authority.​​​​​​​​
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It's about doing the deep internal work to know, trust & honor yourself so you can design a life that tells a more COMPLETE truth of the woman you truly are, instead of constantly looking around at your life thinking, ​​​​​​​​
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"Not this." 🚫​​​​​​​​
"Not me." ✌🏾​​​​​​​​
And most dangerously of all:​​​​​​​​
"Fuck this shit." 🧨🔥​​​​​​​​
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The reality is, sometimes creating the life YOU KNOW you're here to have requires setting a blowtorch to everything around you but...if it ultimately brings you more PEACE in the end?​​​​​​​​
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I'd say the destination was 1000% worth the journey.​​​​​​​​
Wouldn't you?

THE THING KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR PURPOSE

Popping in to remind you that your “purpose” isn’t about your DOING, it’s about your BEING. 

It’s less about doing the “right” thing and more about doing the aligned thing. But in order to know whether or not you’re aligned with the thing in front of you, you have to first ask yourself:

WHAT AM I TRYING TO ALIGN TO?? 

(yes, I know this isn't grammatically correct but it sounds better this way.)

Because THIS is the question that helps us differentiate goals from intentions. 

When we make GOALS, we tend to focus on ‘outcomes”. On having & getting things. Achievements. Proving. Random accomplishments to check off our list. But it’s exactly that–our getting, forcing & grasping–that ends up being the very thing that keeps us from our purpose. Being too laser-focused on the narrow, “WHAT” questions (What am I doing? What’s the goal?), instead of the deeper “WHYs”:

• Why am I doing this?

• Why does this even matter to me?

• Why is this important to my unique life story & experience? 

And until we answer THESE questions, it will always feel like we’re on a never-ending hamster wheel, constantly going, striving, achieving…and yet somehow still feeling empty inside. 

Because the truth is, underneath all that effort, what we’re truly searching for is a deeper meaning that we’ve never even slowed down enough to find.

Yikes. 

But INTENTIONS, on the other hand?

Those are about our feelings. 

They’re about focusing on WHO we’re being in our lives–also known as our WHY–and letting that motivate & guide our behavior and decisions. About aligning ourselves with the energy we’re seeking to create…while ALSO keeping our eyes open for all of the miraculous ways that energy can show up BEYOND what we’ve scripted. 

Instead of boxing ourselves in with constricting, specific goals like,

• Hit $250,000 in business revenue (but no actual plan for the money for who it will serve)

• No sugar, no bread & eat vegan every day from now on (give yourself some GRACE)

• Get engaged in 12 months (wait–you’re gonna put a timeframe on MARRIAGE?🥴)

Intentions guide us to dig deeper & access the underlying desire behind how we want to feel so we can make the feeling the focus…and then set our sights in that direction. So instead of starting with what I want to achieve, I start with who I want to BE, how I want to FEEL, and then create a roadmap from there. 

Intention setting is about moving away from being hyper-focused on the things we want to achieve & getting clear on how we want to show up in our lives, the energy we want to embody throughout the year, and using those breadcrumbs to create a vision that still leaves room for Spirit to do its thang.

This is a small but incredibly transformational shift that totally changes how you interact with your life. And it’s especially powerful if you happen to be like me–someone who grew up in high stress/pressure situations and is therefore COMPLETELY turned off by any strategy that encourages me to repeat these patterns as an adult. If this is you, this process will revolutionize how you move through your life. 

Because when we get too focused on getting the EXACT THING we want in the EXACT WAY & timeline we want it, we end up with tunnel vision ( 🚩🚩 not to mention dysregulated nervous systems & overworked adrenals). And while tunnel vision can be great for the times when we need extreme focus…it’s not great as a continuous life strategy for us as humans. 

Tunnel vision is the very thing that causes us to miss what’s really important, tryna be focused on what we think is important, but it doesn’t have to be this way. 

You don’t have to miss your purpose trying to find your purpose.

I promise, there is another way. 

YEAR END WRAP-UP: 2021

I’m taking a quiet week to myself (after a VERY emotionally rough Christmas weekend, full transparency) but wanted to pop in to say thank you for rocking with me. 

Not only this year, but in general. 

A few of you have been here a really long time–all the way back to when I first started my interior design blog in 2008–and in the event I’ve never said it before, I wanted you to know that your being here–reading my newsletters & magazines, sharing intimate details of your life in my DMs & inbox, listening to my podcast, staying engaged with my work, allowing me to guide you in Wig Snatch sessions, joining my Marrakech/Bali retreats, investing in UNAPOLOGETIC, purchasing Intention Bracelets, attending my masterclasses & workshops–really means so much to me. 

I’ve allowed myself the grace to be reborn in so many ways over the past 11 years but to be honest–haven’t always known what I was doing. Matter of fact, I’ve RARELY known ahead of time. But what I have known (or rather, felt) is when I’d arrived at the end of one journey & it was time to embark on another. It’s been scary, but I’ve honored that knowing again & again over the years and you’ve been right here beside me. So whether you’ve been here since Day 1 OR if you’ve found me recently, THANK YOU. 

Western culture tells us that the only investment that matters is money but for me, that’s simply not true. Taking a few minutes out of your day to read my emails or engage with my content is actually an investment of your most precious non-renewable resource–TIME. So even if you’ve never purchased a thing from me, I want you to know that I see you. I appreciate you. And I deeply honor your choice to invest your most valuable resource with me.

In the coming year I’ll share more about the core values & principles that guide my work, but it’s fitting to say a bit about one of them right now:

COMMUNITY. 

I LOVE COMMUNITY. I mean, I luuuuhhhhhhhhhhhvvveeeee community. I love the art of gathering humans–linked by consciously shared commitments, principles, and values–to do life together. I love shining a light on the common threads that bind us across backgrounds, stories & languages. I love reminding people, “You are not alone”. I love discussing things that can’t be explained using logic. I love connecting with humans who intentionally live their lives in radically honest & transparent ways. Who grapple with the uncertainty and complexity of what it means to be human. People who aren’t afraid to wade into deep waters, have vulnerable conversations, and ask scary questions that lead to life-changing decisions. 

THESE ARE MY KINFOLK. THIS IS THE COMMUNITY I LOVE CURATING.

And if you’re reading this, it means you’re one of these people too. 

I’m enamored with women who fully live the width & depth of their lives, celebrating their joys AND honoring their sorrows. The kind who’ll burn their entire lives down to the ground if it means a chance at showing up as a more honest & true version of themselves. Women who aren’t afraid to take the inconvenient long road if it creates a more meaningful story. The ones who publicly share their “mess” & proudly live their most deeply held principles out loud.

The Ari Corteses.

The Sheyla Perezes. 

The Brandi Sheltons.

The Andra Thomases.

The Simone Williamses.

The Courtney Cummingses.

The Keisha Fogles. 

The Kris Clarkes. 

The Jennifer Arnises.

The Ina Joneses.

The Kia Players.

The Crystal Andrewses.

The Raquel Sanchez Sullivans.

And these are just a few of the first names that came to mind. 

Doing this work, in all of its different iterations, has allowed me to meet & connect with so many humans that I NEVER EVER would’ve had the chance to meet otherwise. Hands down, I would not be the Dayka I am today without the thousands of you I’ve had personal encounters with over the last decade-plus. And words alone would never be enough to adequately articulate the abiding richness you’ve added to my life. 

The humans–you–have been the most treasured gift in my 11 years of business. You’ve expanded me. Trusted me. Taught me. Challenged me. Affirmed me. Supported me.  Encouraged me. Consoled me. Corrected me. Cared for me. Recommended me. Hyped me. Shared with me. Invested in me. And this has meant so much because entrepreneurship is fucking hard soul work. No matter if you’re making $1 or $1M. It’s not just about having the courage to put your complete trust into yourself & your own ideas, but ALSO the fact that entrepreneurship constantly exposes you to yourself. It’s a mirror for the places where your wounds are hiding. Where your childhood traumas are being triggered. Where your unexplored gifts & strengths seek to be exposed. Where your bullshit is hanging out the back of your skirt like toilet paper. And the evidence of where your deepest core beliefs are either bolstering or sabotaging your dreams. 

It’s all in there, all the time. And no matter what it may seem like from across this computer, I can assure you that I am a REAL person who experiences these things too. Yes, I’m smart as hell, brave, bold, confident, adventurous & funny AF. But I also fuck things up. I get scared. I second-guess myself. I say & do the wrong things. I hurt people’s feelings. I get humbled by life & not a week goes by that I don’t turn inward to audibly ask God for guidance, clarity & help. 

This business has been one of my biggest soul lessons & I know that I am not here on my own accord. It’s taken every ancestor, archangel, prayer, breath, oracle card, crystal, conversation, relationship, lesson, ounce of Grace, Act of God and each one of YOU to get here, so before we end the year I just wanted to send this note of thanks. If no one has told you today, YOU MATTER. You matter to people who you don’t even realize you matter to. You have made a profound difference in my life. And you have helped me know myself in a way that never could’ve been possible without your presence. I would not be here without you, my business would not be here without you and for that, I am eternally grateful. 

From the most sincere place in my heart–thank you.

I hope you have a safe, restorative New Year, in whatever way your soul is craving most. 

I love you all. See you in 2022, inshallah. 

Dayka

NORTH STAR VS. SOUTH STAR LIVES

20 years ago I thought I wanted my life to be a big house in Buckhead, a Benz in the garage, a fine ass man in the driver's seat + 2 copy/paste kids in the back. But now I’ve lived enough to know that I want MORE. 

I want the relationships & family to ENRICH my life, but I don't want them to BE my life.

I don’t want anything at the center of my life but ME. And that’s a really ballsy thing for a woman to say. 

Because relationships are easy “North Stars” for us women.

We focus on them from the moment we start getting wet between our legs & told that our security–physical, financial or emotional–can only be ensured by being in one. But every time we rush to find a partner BEFORE really exploring our own selves, the very thing we THOUGHT would be our safety blanket usually becomes our suffocation.

Because the foundation of our lives HAS to be built on something more than just our relationships. They need to be built on OURSELVES. 

I love a good North Star but honestly? I’m more of a South Star kinda gal.

That’s the one that’s illuminated by our wounds, mistakes, secrets, shame & failures. The one that asks us to lay our vulnerabilities on the table & get quiet to ask, "What thread ties these things together? What is this showing me about myself? Where am I overlooking my GOLD?” And then going THERE. Doing THOSE things. Facing THAT wound. Speaking THAT word.

North Star lives are pretty & comfortable. They’re palatable & people celebrate you for playing the role you were told. It’s the same story told over & over again but with slight variations–Birth. School. Job. Marry. Kids. Follow the same old script & keep your head above water.

And then there are South Star lives. The ones that invite you to go off the beaten path and beckon you to take your mess & turn it into magic.

Again & again & again. Constantly dying to who you were, so you can open up to who you’re here to become.

20 years ago I just wanted to fit in, play my role, & find a man to love & claim me.

But now? All I want to do is expand into new versions of myself, never stay the same & allow the one who loves THAT version of me to show up in divine time.

What a difference 20 years (and a whole lot of embodied wisdom!) makes.

Thank God for ladyballs & South Stars. 

SHE STOOD, AND SHOOK THE EARTH

My amazing, multidisciplinary therapist suggested that I explore a practice called Lectio Davina and I started this week. And in just the last 4 days, I’ve already found it to be an incredibly powerful tool that richly deepens my own spiritual practice. (Google it). 

As part of my meditation this week, I “randomly” found a scripture that read:

“She stood, and shook the earth.”

And then I just stopped right there. Because I noticed that it didn’t say she ran,

or pushed,

or gave,

or convinced,

or maneuvered,

or strategized,

or exerted any effort at all. 

It simply said she STOOD & the earth shook. (Pause. Take a deep breath.)

And that shit blew my fucking mind. 

Because it reminded me that, contrary to what I’ve been taught, my being fully planted, firmly anchored, with both feet rooted deeply in the ground IS ENOUGH to make the earth tremble.

That my willingness to simply STAND & know that my standing alone is sufficient–

WITHOUT me having to do or prove or direct or lead or guide or save– is enough to make the ground under my feet shudder. 

It’s been a powerful reminder this week that I can just be. Breathe. Here. Now. And this world will quake. And it hit me so hard because it relates directly to something I’ve been teaching myself since this summer: slower = faster. Particularly in my business. Things move when I’m certain, sure, quiet & knowing––not anxious or desperate.

When I look back, I see now that things in my life move by me being unmovable. And maybe, if you stop and think about it, you’ll find that’s true for your life too.

Just wanted to share a reminder that we don’t have to keep “performing” ourselves to death. You don’t have to convince people to buy your products, dine at your table or even, to love you. Your being is enough. There is no race to the finish line, there is no prize for enduring.

There’s only here & now. So just breathe. Anchor your feet into the earth deep into the ground. Be still. 

And then watch the earth underneath you SHAKE. ❤️

How to SHOW UP for yourself.

Ideas are ALWAYS flying around in my head and one of my favorite ways to have an impromptu “masterclass”/community convo is through IG Live. Now I don’t make it on Live as often as I’d like to, but when I do….??

I must say, they’re pretty damn good. 

Click the image below to watch a recent live where I talk about how asking better questions is KEY to SHOWING UP for ourselves. And let me know what you think.

Xo,

D

GO DO WHAT YOU WERE TOLD TO DO (this message ain't for everybody).

I was working late the other night when I suddenly got the urge to stop & record this message.
Things like this always happen to me, lol, but it's the first time that I've EVER shared the voice memos I've recorded for myself—cheers to doing new things in 2021!

I'll be honest––I know this message isn't for everybody––but I ALSO know that it's EXACTLY what a few of you NEED to hear right now. And it's only 9 minutes long.

Pop your headphones in, go out on a walk & click this link to listen.

Then hit reply to this email to let me know what you think.

Xo,
Dayka

Monday I turned 40. Here's the personal letter I wrote to celebrate my life.

Dayka,

You’re 40 today & while your life is (hopefully) nowhere near done—
YOU DID IT.

You’ve managed to “do life” for almost a century by doing it YOUR WAY, and that’s not a feat many people achieve. Don't downplay that accomplishment--girl, you should be so proud of yourself!

Good or bad, you’ve stuck your ground & followed your heart.
Sometimes that’s left you with $20 in your pocket….and other times it’s left you with $20,000 in your pocket. You know firsthand that entrepreneurship is no easy boat to row, but years ago you made the decision to own your own time & it’s brought you far more than you ever imagined. 

You had the courage to leave that tiny, cinder block office at Kroger & step out on your own—not always knowing what you wanted to do, but always being pretty clear about what you DIDN’T want to do.

• You didn’t want to drown in the everyday routine of life like you saw so many people doing. 

• You didn’t want to suffocate in unhappy relationships, like you saw so many people doing (knowing they deserved more but not having the courage to ask for it).

• You didn’t want to feel trapped in an office job you hated, just because “having a corporate job” some kind of expected milestone.

Good for you for holding onto that!

Because you bloomed late, in some ways, you realized early on that having kids was going to going to come at a cost of finding your own freedom, and looking back at your life over the last 20 years....you were right to wait.
Even if that means you never have kids in this lifetime, you were right to wait.
Never question that, or allow anyone else to make you second-guess that decision for yourself.
What I know now, for sure, is that you would’ve resented those kids if you'd had them early on and constantly felt like you had to choose between trying to unfold THEM and trying to unfold YOURSELF.
Continue to choose you.
Also, you never met anyone who you really looked at and said,
“I want to make a baby with you.”
And if you had no other reason other than the fact that you never found your ideal partner to embark on that journey with--then that reason alone is good enough.
Continue to wait for the one that God sends.
He is coming.

You spent so much of the past 40 years being chastised for speaking your mind but the funny thing is, your candor is the very thing so many people have come to LOVE YOU for.
Because when you stand in your own truth—shortcomings, physical scars, foolish bad decisions, thoughtless mistakes, deep childhood traumas—you inadvertently give OTHER PEOPLE the permission & confidence to own their own stuff, too.
The world needs more people like you, Dayka.
You don’t always say it right.
You don’t always do it right.
Sometimes you’re tired & cranky & impatient & inconsiderate & short but....you are also HUMAN. And do not be fooled—you’ve seen enough people up close to know that no one is walking this earth without their scars.
And my advice to you, at 40, is to stay close to the transparent people who let their shit hang out.
The ones who say what they feel & tell you where it hurts & do the difficult work of putting everything on the table and really healing their souls. Otherwise you will move forward feeling the same way you spent so many of the last 40 years feeling—
Like an outcast alone in the woods.

You are not for everybody, Dayka.
And I don’t know how much time you have left but do not spend ONE MORE MOMENT thinking about WHY you’re not for certain people & groups.
You’re just not.
You will never be one of those women that “everyone” likes because the only way to successfully do that is by giving pieces of yourself away.
Piece by peace.
Which means you’ll have to hate yourself in order to be liked by them.
And that’s as true at 21 as it is at 61.
Always remember where your value lies.
And know that it is better to walk alone than to walk next to people who make you feel alone.

God is very, very funny, so continue to pay attention over your next (58) years.
Give yourself time to rest & process & think & unpack & reframe & chip away & remove & exclude & invite & uncover.
For on the surface, everything is not what it seems.
None of this is really what it seems.

As you begin Phase II today, really challenge yourself to widen your reach. Leave no stone unturned exploring everything that calls to your heart. You are now confident enough to know what you like & don’t like, and wise enough to know that at any moment you may be called to let go of what you think you know so that you can learn something totally new.
I believe in your ability to do that. You are excellent at that.
You are courageous & intelligent & introspective & (ridiculously) inquisitive & you speak directly. You ask the questions that need to be asked & when you don’t know, you will proudly say, “I don’t know.”
Hold onto that.
Stay close to the people who see that as the sign of respect it is.
And do not worry about the rest, please.
Remember that every new day means there’s less & less time on your personal clock. Spend it doing what matters most to you.

There is nothing weird or odd about you.
There is nothing ugly or unseemly about you.
There is nothing unredeemable or unworthy about you.
There is no mistake you can’t be forgiven for & there is nothing you can lose that can’t be replaced, energetically speaking.
The entire world is on your side & God is too. Set yourself up for success by staying close to the people & places & moments that remind you of that.

I am very, very proud of you, Dayka. You are walking this earth, creating your path & telling a story that only you can tell. You matter & nothing in this world would be the same without you-- that's a scientific fact.  
So even if you never do another thing in life…..you’ve already won.
Remember that, always. 

I love you so much.
Happy birthday, Queen. 

d.