Why some people think I'm a Bitch.

I don’t apologize for taking up space in this world.

I believe that I have a right to exist just as I am, and so I move through my life in a way that communicates this expectation, verbally, physically & energetically.

But living & breathing & moving this way--especially as a woman--can make a lot of people uncomfortable.
Especially as a black woman.

Because I refuse to ask for permission.

I spent a lot of my childhood & teen years being chastised for my “adult demeanor” & difficult-to-answer questions that often came off like I was trying to challenge someone in authority.

Except I really wasn’t.

I was simply an incredibly inquisitive child, one who asked a lot of questions for which the adults in charge often didn’t have an answer. And that’s just the kinda thing that makes people really uncomfortable & defensive, especially when it comes to children who correct adults….in public.

I remember one day in class, maybe the 3rd or 5th grade, hearing the teacher say something that I KNEW was incorrect, so I raised my hand & corrected her when she called on me.
Her response?
To tell me I was being disrespectful & disruptive.
Even though we both KNEW she was wrong.

But I wasn’t intentionally being disruptive nor disrespectful.
From my child’s perspective, I simply saw an adult teaching information to a group of my peers that was factually incorrect, so I was attempting to provide with the correct info. But it was met with defensiveness, shame & critique…..even though the person in power was actually the one in the wrong.

And yes, as an adult with a fully developed ADULT brain, I now understand that it’s not always appropriate to publicly correct someone when they’re running their own show (although there are LOTS of nuances with this idea, ESPECIALLY with teachers/trainers) but when you try to shame or punish a child for TELLING THE TRUTH, it teaches them that there's something wrong with honesty.
That "authority" always matters more than the truth.

And I think there's a major problem with that idea.
It’s a belief I spent many years unlearning.

The process of letting go of that belief led me to become a woman who doesn’t believe in shrinking MYSELF to make other people comfortable in THEIR skin.
I find it neither kind nor loving nor helpful.  

Instead, I believe in telling the truth & discussing emotions & setting BOUNDARIES in all areas of my life, especially the intimate ones. And it’s something I consistently preach & teach to the women I coach & those who attend my retreats.

Grown women (who were once "disruptive" little girls) are no longer called disruptive & disrespectful...now they’re just called bitches.
Ask me how I know.

So I’m here to remind you that the title of “Bitch” isn’t always a bad thing. 

Here are a few points to remember:
 

1. Solid boundaries are often mistaken for bitchiness. Because when you start telling people about the ways they're no longer able to interact with you, speak to you, or make demands on your time…..they'll generally start calling you a bitch. People will EXPECT you to allow them to walk all over you....then get pissed AT YOU when you don't. Always better to be the "bitch" (with boundaries!!) then the "team player" who gets rode hard & put up wet.

2. When others ignore your boundaries, what they're really asking you to do is make to YOURSELF uncomfortable so that THEY can remain comfortable. But we not doing that anymore in 2019. Just say no.

3. You shouldn’t be willing to betray yourself for the sake of maintaining a relationship with ANYONE: sister, mom, grandma, boss, cousin, friend, partner, etc. Boundaries are for everyone, ESPECIALLY family. Plus, I don’t think that God intended for any of us to betray ourselves just to maintain certain relationships. Hell naw.

4. A huge part of worthiness & self esteem & self empowerment is knowing and BELIEVING that you have a RIGHT to your feelings. And the second equally important part is behaving like you truly believe in this right. By definition, BOUNDARIES are gonna make some people uncomfortable. But if you can remember this going in, you won't be caught by surprise when you start getting pushback. Or hearing the B-word.

It’s taken me until my late 30s to decide thatI’d rather have people dislike me if their approval comes at the expense of me liking myself. 
Because I'm not willing to give that up.
It’smy jobto set the rules of engagement for the types of relationships I WANT to be in & how I expect to be addressed & spoken to & loved & treated and then to make sure that my wishes are respected. 

So if honoring myself makes me a bitch in someone’s eyes…..
I’m okay with that.
Because nothing is more important to me than being able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and truly LIKE the woman staring back at me.

And I hope that’s important for you too.

If you’re great at honoring yourself, reply to this email & let me know ONE special thing you do to ensure that happens. And if you’re not so great….tell me ONE new way you can commit to honoring yourself more in the next 7 days.

Looking forward to hearing from you! 

Xo,
D.

The cost of creating your own life.

For the first time in my adult life, I had a good amount of money in the bank.

And I was doing the kinda creative work that most people would die for.

But I felt like I was suffocating.

I’d finally accomplished most of the things I’d always been told were the key to a “good life” & yet there I was thinking, “This can’t possibly be it.”

Everything felt predictable.

Make more money.

Buy more stuff.

Find a man & have kids & anytime it feels like life is missing something…..just stuff that thought down with more things.

But if there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that I’m not built for the status quo.

And fittingly, one of the most powerful, transformative statements that’s guided my life over the last 15 years has been a simple, honest declaration:

“I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this.”

And every time I find myself murmuring that phrase, I end up drastically transforming my life. The first time it lead me to hair school (yes, hair school) and last time it lead me to Turkey.

All because I refused to settle for just following along the “go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, wait for them to leave, then retire” narrative I’d been sold.  

Even though I didn’t know exactly WHAT to do….I knew I didn’t wanna do that.

I was feeling stuck & uninspired, so I made a radically different choice.

And 5 years ago, at 2:30 in the morning, I bought a ticket to Istanbul--a place that had never been on my radar until I decided to go.

Alone.

I didn’t know much about the history, didn't know the language & didn't know a soul there. Everyone thought I was crazy to venture to Turkey alone & my mom was firmly against my decision. To make matters “worse”, I’d even turned down a high profile design opportunity to go to Istanbul simply because...I felt my soul telling me that’s where I needed to be.

And this kind of soul decision is always challenging because it’s not the kinda thing that’s easily explainable.

I couldn’t really articulate why I was going.

What I was looking for.

Or what was happening inside of me.

But that’s what happens when you really start creating YOUR OWN life--you have to walk roads that many people haven't.

And you may have to do it without the support of those who know you best. 

You'll have to make choices that the people you love disagree with & would never make. You’ll have to make choices that look “stupid” & “insane” & “dangerous” & “financially irresponsible” to others, simply because they matter TO YOU. Because truly creating your own life requires that you follow the beat of a drum that no one else in the world can hear but you.

Which can be fucking scary. 

And as people who tend to look for validation from our circle--especially us women--that thought can be FRIGHTENING.

But we must acknowledge the fear & do it anyway, so that our FAITH and PURPOSE can meet us along the way.  

Following my intuition to Istanbul ended up being one of THE best gifts I've ever given to myself.

And what didn’t make sense then has definitely come full circle now.

It was in Turkey where I learned that my strength, adaptability & capability aren't just limited to the United States.

Or to English-speaking countries.

And it was there, while eating baklava along the Bosphorus Strait, that I realized the cost of playing it safe & easy meant I would be settling for an undiscovered life. A life where I’d never truly learn about all of the pieces of me that were waiting to be discovered. A life where I never relinquished all my ideas about who I AM so that I could learn who I might BECOME.

That impulsive trip to Istanbul showed me that an "undiscovered life" wasn’t a price I could afford to pay, and it's a lesson I’ve never forgotten since.

Because the thing no one really hammers home about settling for the lesser life is this:

You will never find fulfillment by settling, ever.

There will never be enough designer clothes.

Luxury cars.

Fancy neighborhoods.

Delicious meals.

Mind blowing sex.

High paying jobs.

Good friends. 

Or money to make "not enough" be "enough".

To drown out the beat of that drum you hear.

You will always know that you had a dream for MORE. That you could’ve tried harder, trusted yourself more, challenged yourself deeper, or actually found the money to support your dream, if only you’d truly believed that a deeply fulfilling life was possible for you.

And the only way you do this is by constantly asking yourself:

"What choice will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself?".

And then acting accordingly.

It could be as small as joining a new social group or it could be as big as finally leaving a stale relationship. No matter the move, when you know it's your time to move you HAVE to MOVE--even in the face of uncertainty.

For me, it was going to Istanbul alone, led only by the pull of a deep knowing in my soul.

This epiphany led me to launch Lost & Found Marrakech retreats. And it's the kinda thing that can change your life.

Take inventory & ask yourself, "What will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself??" and if coming to Marrakech feels right for you, I'd love to have you.

Xo,

D.

Nothing matters more than your Core Values. Here's Why.

I used to say that I don’t "do small talk” but I’ve realized that…...
that’s not quite accurate.

I can shoot the shit with the best of them (and do!!) but the truth is, I don't have much bandwidth for that kinda thing. Because it’s hard for me to act like I care about superficial things I don’t actually care about & it exhausts me to talk about fluff, never quite reaching far enough below the surface to get to the things that REALLY matter. Things like:

Spirit & Soul.
Evolving friendships.
The discomfort of success.
Reconciling the past.
Love.
Emotional Trauma.
Taboo Sex.
Money.
What it takes to make marriage last.
Creating work you love.
Failure.
The in-between years.
Death.  

Suffice it to day, I’m a woman who loves intimate conversation.

And when I’m lucky enough to meet people with whom I can get share this kinda dialogue, I love to ask them about their Core Personal Values.

And most of them are like, “My Values? Ummm…..what do you mean?”
‘Cause the frightening fact is, the majority of the people I meet don't even know what I'm talking about. 

They can list the TV shows they watch or the Instagram accounts they love or their favorite vacation destinations but…..when it comes to articulating the Core Personal Values that guide their lives?

Few people can articulate them clearly and/or directly.
And I happen to think that’s a pretty big problem.

Because if you don’t understand the true function of Values in your life (what I like to call Core Personal Values or CPVs), then you have no idea that they’re the CORE INGREDIENT to designing a life you deeply desire. That CPVs are about making sure that you are BEING WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE in this world. And when it comes to living a life of alignment--one that deeply resonates with the woman you say you want to be--nothing matters more than knowing your core personal values.

Here’s what I mean:

1. Think about your life like a simple house. You have a foundation (operational beliefs you hold about life itself, God, etc), a roof (how you present to the world, your outward behaviors) & a few studs/pillars that hold up the roof (your CPVs). And in the same way that pillars hold up a roof, your Core Personal Values are the very things that hold up your LIFE. Because the choices you make--the people you date, the jobs you take, the places you live, the food you eat, the vacations you schedule, the books you read, the music you consume--are all just a reflection of your core beliefs. Which is why I say, the only way we really know who you are is by what you do. It’s not enough to just TELL people who we are--we must SHOW them as well.

2. If you can’t articulate what matters to you, then your life is gonna be a reflection of the fact that you aren’t really CLEAR about what matters to you. Unsatisfied, uninspired with no idea why...which means you’re probably all over the place. At the end of the day, our choices & behaviors are what make up our lives, not our words. You say family is important but--can I tell that by your behavior?? Do you live a life that says “Family is important to me”? Would your values be evident if you didn’t open up your mouth & tell me? I live by the Chinese proverb that says “To know and not do is to not know at all”. Which means that when you say you “know better”...you gotta act like it. And CPVs make sure that what YOU SAY is important to you & what YOUR BEHAVIOR says is important to you are in alignment. Amen for that. 
   
   3. CPVs are like your personal Global Positioning System (GPS). Because when you’re clear about your CPVs you’re left with ACTIONABLE behaviors. It’s not enough to say one of your CPVs is “FREEDOM”--the work of creating values asks ”What does FREEDOM actually LOOK LIKE to you??”. Does that mean putting your bills on autopay? Homeschooling your kids? 3 day work weeks? Or reading in bed every morning for an hour?  Once we define our values we have to go one step further & figure how how these values should show up in our lives. What they look like. And THAT is how your CPVs help to make sure that you’re being the kinda woman you really want to be.

Last weekend I took a course from Maya Elious & during the training she gave an example saying, “No one can talk about Personal Values like Dayka does--and she knows it in & out.”

And that’s true.

I will sit in any living room,
in front of any microphone,
on any stage,
talking about Core Personal Values because ‘till I’m blue in the face because I love helping uninspired women find the clarity, confidence and empowerment to get unstuck & create lives they deeply desire by identifying their VALUES. And I'm gonna start talking about this more because...it's clear I don't do it nearly enough. 

In the meantime, if you know YOUR CPVs (or even just one!) I’d love to hear about them! Reply to this email & let me know more about the CPVs you're cultivating for 2019 ('cause I'm nosy like that. lol.). 

xo,
d.

The 2009 to 2019 challenge.

Here's the biggest difference between my 2009 self and my 2019 self:

The old version worried a lot about external things—whether people liked my work, my body, my skin, my blog, who I was with, how I spoke, etc. A lot of energy was spent on things I really couldn’t control and as a result, I didn't really focus on controlling the things I could control.

I think about all of the time I lost worrying about shit that really did not matter--things that would eventually get worked out in their own way & time--and I marvel at all of the things I potentially could've gotten done if only I knew better.
And if only I'd had a little more faith. 

But this 2019 version?
It’s the total opposite.

I'm super confident in my skin & my only “worry” is being in alignment with who I say I am. Making sure that I genuinely LIKE the woman I am creating. Making it a priority to spend time with the people I want to be around & visit the places I want to see & invest in the opportunities that will bring me joy & building a business that really HELPS women take off their masks and be their full, unapologetic selves.
Using my life & my stories to do what only I can uniquely do best.

My focus is on worthiness & alignment & adventure & love & not only finding but creating spaces that will allow me to THRIVE in this life I’ve been gifted.
In a word, my focus is JOY.

And these may sound like simple tasks but truly—it’s taken me every single bit of these last 10 years to get here. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is actually the simplest thing to do, because all it requires is that you LET GO & allow life to work certain things out in its own way.

Will ever I find my life partner & get married & travel the world with him?
I believe so but who knows?
Will I ever move to Madrid?
I believe so but who knows?
Will I ever be debt free?
I believe so but who knows?
Will I ever have a child?
We'll see what God sayeth 'cause...I'm still not sure about this one!

The reality is, I only want that which has my name on it.
And if these 10 years have taught me anything, it's that I've wasted time a lot of time trying to force certain things to have my name on them that were not in fact for me. And that some of the things I thought were for me were indeed mine, but they just weren't mine to hold forever.

The last decade has taught me that the best indicator of my growth is a sense of alignment between who I am & how I show up in the world. And that if I can just continue to seek that alignemnt in everything I do....

I will end up exactly where I want to be.
(And I'm pretty sure that you will too, if you follow the same strategy.)


Happy New Year, friends. May 2019 be your best year yet! 

xo,
d.

You're not the only one. Keep going.

Will Catlett wasn't really on my radar until I started watching Love Is, (OWN), but I stumbled on this video of him discussing being in "The Silent Place" and if you know you're being called to something greater--an inspiring career, a new city, a deeper relationship, an exciting adventure--but currently feel like you're stuck or lost....this will resonate with you.

Because there will be times.
And moments.
And days.
And months.
And crushing heartbreaks.
And unfathomable grief.
And deep despair.
And unimaginable confusion. 
And you will be taken to the very edge of your threshold for sorrow.

Do not be confused--these emotions come for us all.
But our job is to be still & know, anyhow.
To hold fast to the vision.
"Either you're gonna bend or the Universe is gonna bend--Who's gonna bend??" 

All of us need to see a lighthouse in the distance, every once in awhile. 
Whenever you can, tell the truth about your life so that you might be that lighthouse for someone else.
 

Please take 1:50 to watch this clip. 
Then hit "reply" to let me know what you think. 

xo,
d. 

if they do it to themselves? They'll do it to you too.

Last week's newsletter got me to thinking a lot about "betrayal".
And how there's actually a way to recognize when you're speeding down the road toward it.

So this is a bit of a follow-up from last week.

When you surround yourself with people who constantly betray themselves--in their relationships, their self-talk, the work they produce for the world, their health, their self-esteem--you will ALWAYS look like you're "doing too much" when you're standing too close to them.

Too demanding. 
Too entitled. 
Too assertive.
Not "humble" enough (which is a word I absolutely HATE, but more on that another time).  
Asking for too much. 

There will always be an attitude of, "Who does she think she is??", when you're in their vicinity.
And it will always be your job to tell those people just exactly who you are. 

When you surround yourself with people who fear the sound of their own voice--
those who are afraid to take up too much space in the world, who believe they need "permission" to be their real selves & who make a habit of walking softly just so they don't disturb the landscape--
YOU will always feel an elephant in a tea shop. 
Always.

And you gotta get really, really clear about this pattern so that YOU don't end up betraying YOURSELF, simply because you let their shit seep into yours. 

Sometimes the problem is you.
And sometimes it's actually them.  

These people will be appalled when they learn you aren't afraid of YOUR voice.
That you have the audacity to not only stand tall but to speak loudly.
To express your opinion--regardless of hierarchy or title.
And to say "No"--without justification--and mean it. 

And the fact that they are appalled,
offended,
turned off,
and/or threatened by your self-empowering behavior
will be a sure sign that those are not your people. 

So stop trying to make them be your people, mmmkay?
Just stop.

Because here's the truth:

Sometimes you ARE the problem. 
Sometimes it's you who needs a perspective shift, energy realignment, reality check, or a whopping dose of gratitude. 

But sometimes…it's actually the people you keep surrounding yourself with who are making you THINK you're the problem.

Which means your "real problem" is that you can't tell the difference between those who truly root for you & those who don't.  
Between alignment & misalignment.
Between relationships that help your soul grow, expand & become more, versus those that encourage you to just stay where you are. 
Or even worse, those that encourage you to shrink. 
And it's imperative that you learn the difference between the two, for yourself. According to your own personal standards.

The goal--in friendship, love-ship, work-ship, life-ship--is to connect & partner with people who have the ability to BOTH, remind you of your greatness, AND call you on your shit. 

To me, that's love. 

So as you continue to refine your definition of success, remember that the company you keep along your journey MATTERS. Because there's nothing worse than spending your entire life trying to be more like "them".....only to find out "they" were the problem all along.

Am I right or am I right??

xo,
d. 

HOW TO RECLAIM YOUR TIME.

I had to shut it all the way down this week.My energy was totally depleted & I found myself physically and emotionally exhausted.

Between an incredibly full schedule last week, an emotionally draining conversation over the weekend, entertaining out of town guests, new work projects, late night conversations and Charlottesville having me really feel enraged, once again, at the plight of being black in this country... my damn cup was empty, y'all. 

Like, not even a drop left in that thing.And it was no ones fault but my own.

To quote Auntie Maxine, I (desperately) needed to reclaim my time.

So I said no to work, to friends, and cancelled dinner dates.

I filled my refrigerator with food Monday afternoon, spent the evening listening to a book on tape while lounging in a massive bubble bath, and then climbed my naked, ashy ass into bed & stayed there for 3 days.

And it was everything.

I didn't return any emails, work related or otherwise. Didn't leave the house. Didn't open the drapes. Didn't really leave my bed except for food.

My only plan? Resting until I felt like I didn't need to rest anymore.

Taking care of myself. Recentering. Recuperating.Reclaiming my time.

Because somehow I got way off track over the last 2 weeks. Didn't do a great job of monitoring my input vs. my output. Started giving people more of myself than what I actually had to give. And it left me feeling like shit. 

And while self care is this idea people seem to love in theory, they don't always love it in practice. We seem to feel VERY entitled to each other's time. That our urgent needs means others should adapt to our schedules. That taking days to rest your body & mind--when you're not actually sick--is an indulgent luxury when in fact...

it should be standard practice.

Because allowing your cup to get all the way empty is unhealthy. And dangerous. 

I love to talk about this because I know that I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets that I have the right to say no...but that's the only way we can truly reclaim our time.

No, I will not allow you to manage my time. No, I will not put my needs on the back burner. No, I won't apologize for needing a break. 

People like other people who like themselves. And you know how you like yourself? By making you a priority.Putting your needs first, even if it's inconvenient for others.

Because "reclaiming my time" is really more than just a catchphrase--it's a call to action. A reminder that you are the guardian of the time that's been given to you while you're on this earth. 

It is YOURS. It belongs to YOU. And it's your responsibility to manage it, direct it, decrease it, or increase it, as you see fit.

But you must be the one to do it. 

NEVER be afraid to wave the white flag in your life. If you don't feel well, tell the truth.  If you're burned out from work, tell the truth.  If your relationships aren't supporting you, tell the truth.  If you don't know exactly WTF is wrong, but you know for sure that something just ain't right, then tell the truth about that too. 

I'm spending this last weekday catching up on work & even though a project went a little haywire while I was away, I don't regret waving my flag & closing shop. There was nothing I could've done to avoid the mishap & more importantly, I know that I'm of no service to my clients if I'm not first serving myself.

I needed every single one of those 3 days off, so I took them. THAT'S how you reclaim your time. 

THIS IS MY WHY. (Part Two)

PART TWO CONTINUED.....

When we think there's something wrong with who we are, we try to find ways to fit in & disappear.

Simply because we don't understand our own self worth. 

In my case, I thought my success lie in trying to shave down my edges & round off my corners instead of uncovering new ways to actually accentuate my unique features. To clearly articulate what makes me, me.
Thank God I eventually I found my way.

But here's why I'm sharing all of this with you:

The early part of my life had to be exactly what it was so that it could prepare me to become the woman I am today--one who's incredibly passionate about personal responsibility and self empowerment, ESPECIALLY as it pertains to women.  

Why? 

Because we're often taught (and even encouraged) to shrink from an early age. And that is EXACTLY why--as adult women--we end up with lives that look NOTHING like the ones we planned so long ago. Because we've been socialized to give our power away before we even realize what's happening. 

Don't be too confident. Don't talk too much. Don't curse. Don't be intimidating. Don't dress like that. Be nice. Learn how to cook. Look like you're 17 even though you're 45. Keep your nails done. Be agreeable. Don't brag about your accomplishments. Keep a clean house. Keep a man. Be sweet. Don't be too demanding. Don't raise your voice. Make sure your pedicure is on point. Keep a Brazilian. Be humble. Wait your turn patiently. Know every sex trick in the book but don't sleep with too many men. Don't stand out too much. Get along with the group. Don't be so assertive. Look pretty. Don't be a know-it-all. And be quiet.

It's fucking exhausting. 

And when we grow up being bombarded with these kinds of messages, it dulls our ability to trust in ourselves & our natural instincts.
Because all we ever hear is "You're doing it is wrong, do it like this instead".
And let me tell you, a lack of trust never, ever turns out well. 
In any situation.

We learn to shrink at home, we learn it in school, we learn it from our fathers, brothers & boyfriends, we learn it from our mothers, colleagues at work & women in our social circles. But it's time to start unlearning some of that stuff if you truly intend on embodying your highest vision of yourself. 

Yet here's the catch: only you can do this unlearning for yourself. 

It is not your parent's job, your best friend's job or your spouse's responsibility to make you feel good about who you really are.
Because worthiness is an inside job, my friend.
So is self esteem.  

And making someone responsible for your wholeness and your empowerment is too much power to give any one person (or group of people) over your life.

And once I really understood this--realizing that I didn't have to wait for other people to change because I could change MYSELF--a whole new world opened up to me.  Remembering that at ALL times, it is not only my right but my responsibility to EMPOWER MYSELF. 

To make choices that are soul affirming.
To stand in my power at all times & not hand it over to someone else. 
To fill my own cup & not expect someone else to do it for me. 
To write my own narrative & create my own love story & fill my life with the things that nurture and affirm ME.
And to remember that the only things I really need are the things that come from within.

So back to him. 

If I had truly known my worth from the beginning, we wouldn't have been together in the first place. 

And once I had the courage to be honest with myself & acknowledge that I simply PUT UP with too much for too long because I didn't know better, something just shifted. I was able to release him from the story I'd been telling (his fault! his fault! his fault!) and start to do the work that really mattered--my own. 

Because taking responsibility doesn't look like pointing out all of the ways he could've shown up better. Instead, it means asking one simple question:

What was it about me that made me decide that kind of behavior was okay in the first place??

And answering that question, my friends, is where the real work starts.

There was a time many years ago when I didn't know better but now I do.
And I want you to know better, too.

This is my Why.

xo,
d.