The cost of creating your own life.

For the first time in my adult life, I had a good amount of money in the bank.

And I was doing the kinda creative work that most people would die for.

But I felt like I was suffocating.

I’d finally accomplished most of the things I’d always been told were the key to a “good life” & yet there I was thinking, “This can’t possibly be it.”

Everything felt predictable.

Make more money.

Buy more stuff.

Find a man & have kids & anytime it feels like life is missing something…..just stuff that thought down with more things.

But if there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that I’m not built for the status quo.

And fittingly, one of the most powerful, transformative statements that’s guided my life over the last 15 years has been a simple, honest declaration:

“I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this.”

And every time I find myself murmuring that phrase, I end up drastically transforming my life. The first time it lead me to hair school (yes, hair school) and last time it lead me to Turkey.

All because I refused to settle for just following along the “go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, wait for them to leave, then retire” narrative I’d been sold.  

Even though I didn’t know exactly WHAT to do….I knew I didn’t wanna do that.

I was feeling stuck & uninspired, so I made a radically different choice.

And 5 years ago, at 2:30 in the morning, I bought a ticket to Istanbul--a place that had never been on my radar until I decided to go.

Alone.

I didn’t know much about the history, didn't know the language & didn't know a soul there. Everyone thought I was crazy to venture to Turkey alone & my mom was firmly against my decision. To make matters “worse”, I’d even turned down a high profile design opportunity to go to Istanbul simply because...I felt my soul telling me that’s where I needed to be.

And this kind of soul decision is always challenging because it’s not the kinda thing that’s easily explainable.

I couldn’t really articulate why I was going.

What I was looking for.

Or what was happening inside of me.

But that’s what happens when you really start creating YOUR OWN life--you have to walk roads that many people haven't.

And you may have to do it without the support of those who know you best. 

You'll have to make choices that the people you love disagree with & would never make. You’ll have to make choices that look “stupid” & “insane” & “dangerous” & “financially irresponsible” to others, simply because they matter TO YOU. Because truly creating your own life requires that you follow the beat of a drum that no one else in the world can hear but you.

Which can be fucking scary. 

And as people who tend to look for validation from our circle--especially us women--that thought can be FRIGHTENING.

But we must acknowledge the fear & do it anyway, so that our FAITH and PURPOSE can meet us along the way.  

Following my intuition to Istanbul ended up being one of THE best gifts I've ever given to myself.

And what didn’t make sense then has definitely come full circle now.

It was in Turkey where I learned that my strength, adaptability & capability aren't just limited to the United States.

Or to English-speaking countries.

And it was there, while eating baklava along the Bosphorus Strait, that I realized the cost of playing it safe & easy meant I would be settling for an undiscovered life. A life where I’d never truly learn about all of the pieces of me that were waiting to be discovered. A life where I never relinquished all my ideas about who I AM so that I could learn who I might BECOME.

That impulsive trip to Istanbul showed me that an "undiscovered life" wasn’t a price I could afford to pay, and it's a lesson I’ve never forgotten since.

Because the thing no one really hammers home about settling for the lesser life is this:

You will never find fulfillment by settling, ever.

There will never be enough designer clothes.

Luxury cars.

Fancy neighborhoods.

Delicious meals.

Mind blowing sex.

High paying jobs.

Good friends. 

Or money to make "not enough" be "enough".

To drown out the beat of that drum you hear.

You will always know that you had a dream for MORE. That you could’ve tried harder, trusted yourself more, challenged yourself deeper, or actually found the money to support your dream, if only you’d truly believed that a deeply fulfilling life was possible for you.

And the only way you do this is by constantly asking yourself:

"What choice will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself?".

And then acting accordingly.

It could be as small as joining a new social group or it could be as big as finally leaving a stale relationship. No matter the move, when you know it's your time to move you HAVE to MOVE--even in the face of uncertainty.

For me, it was going to Istanbul alone, led only by the pull of a deep knowing in my soul.

This epiphany led me to launch Lost & Found Marrakech retreats. And it's the kinda thing that can change your life.

Take inventory & ask yourself, "What will give me an opportunity to grow into a deeper version of myself??" and if coming to Marrakech feels right for you, I'd love to have you.

Xo,

D.

I WAS WRONG ABOUT SUCCESS.

I've recently redefined my personal definition of what it means to live a successful life. 
And I think it's a definition worth sharing. 

I used to think it was about leaving a financial legacy for others, who my (potential future) child might become, the impactful products I could create or simply having the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want, every single day.

But this phase of my life has taught me that my beliefs are actually much simpler.
That less really does mean more.

A successful life, for me, is one that doesn't require me to betray myself just to exist in this world.
One where I don't befriend people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't partner and/or make love to people who ask me to betray myself.
One where I don't work with people who ask me to betray myself (or around those who betray themselves). 
One where I don't intentionally self sabotage as a means of betraying the very essence of who I am.

The truth is, I've never thought I was inferior to anyone (and I've recently heard from enough elementary school teachers to know I've been like this a LONG time!).
On the contrary, it's my incredible power that I've often been afraid of.
And most of the time when I've found myself in trouble, it's because I was busy trying to fit into spaces I didn't belong, with people who brought out the smallest version of myself.
So staying in my power is what I focus on now.

I've come to understand that the best gift I can give this world is all of me, fully expressed. And what that looks like may change from moment to moment but....I'm now clear that it's really all I can endeavor to give.

What does a fully expressed Dayka look like?, you may ask. 
Good question.

Right now it looks like traveling the world to recover bits of my soul in random cities, leaning into affirming & unexpected human connections, telling the truth & teaching others to tell theirs, working & living alongside people who honor their values, and--most importantly--making sure there is always a period after my "No".

Not a comma. 

To be honest, your "success" will always leave you feeling unfulfilled if you haven't done the work of grounding/quantifying/qualifying/defining it for yourself. Anything less than that means you're on the fast track to wasting your entire life trying to live up to someone else's definition--one that you don't even believe in.
One that turns you into a second rate version of yourself.
One makes you become someone your soul knows it's not meant to be.
And that kinda life ain't a life worth living. 

So if you haven't taken the time to define success for yourself....please do so.
Please.
Because every day without clarity is a day you can't get back.
And I know some people may fight me on this but.....your PERSONAL definition of success shouldn't be about something outside of you like your kids or your partner or your parents or even how other people receive the work that you put into the world.
Because these are things (or people) that will ALWAYS be beyond your control.
And personal success is about YOU & the things you CAN control. 
I don't think I understood that before.
That's why I was wrong. 

So if you know your personal definition of success & want to share it with me, hit "reply" to let me know what moves you. 
I love hearing from you guys.