SAVE THIS MESSAGE FOR WHEN THE HARD TIMES COME
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The other day on IG, I shared some personal advice on “How to get through hard times.” It’s a pretty damn good post (if I do say so myself!) because it’s 5 BASIC THINGS we sometimes forget to do (or try to avoid doing!) when we’re going through The Valley of the Shadow of Death. I’d love for you to click here to read it in its entirety, but before you do, I need to add an addendum.
There’s something REALLY important that I left off that list:
#6: Be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for support.
One of the things I see and experience time & time again while talking with clients is a palpable sense of desperation to be and feel more supported in their lives. But the odd thing is that–when the shit hits the fan??
They don’t ask for the help they need.
Instead, they tend to shut down.
They turn inward.
They go silent.
They “don’t want anyone in their business”.
They don’t want to be “judged” for their need.
They “don’t like asking for help”.
And it’s fascinating to witness because it creates a situation where they literally ARE NOT allowing the very support they need. Then they say things like,
No one cares about me.
Or…
The people around me never support me.
And then, as their coach, it’s my job to start probing and asking the deeper questions like….
Do your people know you need help?
Who specifically have you asked?
What EXACTLY did you say?
What specific support did you ask for?
How did they respond?
And most importantly, How did YOU respond to THEIR response (or lack of)?
Because the fact of the matter is–most of us have that bad habit of shutting down when we need help.
Especially women.
Particularly WOC.
Acutely Black women.
We’re so used to just going, going, going, and doing, doing, doing that when we can’t DO anymore?
When LIFE happens to us and we can no longer be the engine that actually DRIVES everything around us?
Our worlds fucking collapse.
People break our hearts.
But the truth is that….in some ways?
We have also broken our own.
And be clear–this isn’t shame because I GET IT. I’ve done it before FOR DECADES.
I somehow convinced myself that “not needing anything” would let people know I was “strong”, and by seeing my “quiet strength”, they’d subconsciously feel MORE COMPELLED to proactively offer help, guidance & support…..
…without me opening up my mouth and asking.
(I just chuckled when I typed those words because this version of me can now hear just how INSANE that sounds).
And as we all know, it doesn’t work like that.
Not because people are mean.
Not because they don’t love or care for you.
Not because they aren’t “concerned enough” about your wellbeing.
Sometimes it’s really as simple as–you didn’t open up your mouth and say something.
And no matter how amazing & emotionally aware your partner is,
No matter how many tears you cry in front of your friends,
No matter how many hints you drop about needing help,
No matter how many times you casually drop that you don’t have your bill/rent/mortgage/food money,
It will still always, always, always be your responsibility to ask for the support you need.
Because this is what it means to speak your truth, know your worth & trust your authority–
Telling the truth about what you need,
Knowing & believing that you are worthy of support,
And then trusting in your God-given authority to be BOLD & LOUD AF about asking for the support you need to get it.
Amen?
Xo,
D.
